The secret to successful relationships: Understanding your Attachment Style

Have you ever noticed that we seem to gravitate towards the same “type” of person each time we begin a new relationship? This is due to how our attachment was formed during our developmental years. The relationship formed with our caregiver sets the stage for our adult relationships and how they form. As we age into adulthood, our attachment style tends to mirror the relationships we had with our caregivers as we were growing up.

What exactly is attachment?

So what exactly is this thing we call attachment? As mentioned previously, attachment is formed during the early years of development between an infant/child and their caregiver relationships. Attachment is a special emotional relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care, and pleasure between the child and the caregiver. The primary factor that contributes to the development or lack of development of secure attachment is the caregiver response to the needs of the child during the first few years of development. Caregivers who respond consistently and quickly to their children’s needs and desires typically contribute to the development of a secure attachment style. In contrast, a caregiver who is inconsistent or ignores the needs of the child will typically contribute to an insecure attachment style.

What exactly are the different attachment styles?

Secure (Healthy)

This is the attachment style we’re all striving to develop as we are rearing our children. This is the best way to create and nurture safe, loving relationships with others. A person who is securely attached can trust others and can also be trusted by others. Giving and accepting love is done with ease with minimal fear of intimacy. There is an interdependence within the relationship but neither person is totally dependent on their partner.

People with secure attachment style are able to have space away from their partner without becoming anxious or panicked. Secure attachment encourages autonomy and individualism for both parties while also having the ability to nurture and invest in the relationship. Only about half of the adult population have a secure attachment style. If you don’t fall into the secure category then you probably experience more of an insecure attachment style that usually includes some sort of anxiety around your needs being met within the relationship.

Anxious (Preoccupied)

An Anxious attachment style also described as preoccupied is based on an insecurity marked by a deep concern or fear of abandonment from your partner within the relationship. People with this attachment style tend to be very insecure about their relationship and fear rejection from their partner. There is a constant concern of abandonment which many times is interpreted by others as “needy” or “clingy” behaviors. People with this attachment often create an unrealistic scenario in their head that their partner is unloving, untrustworthy and often times unfaithful based on their own insecurities and skewed perspectives.

Avoidant (Dismissive)

An avoidant or dismissive attachment style can be found in people who often minimize or totally avoid their emotions. They are incredibly independent and pride themselves in “not needing anyone”. People with this attachment style have very underdeveloped emotional intelligence and struggle to empathize with others who are in emotional distress. Because they are unaware of their own emotions, they tend to be dismissive of the emotions of others. The underlying belief is that their needs will not be met by their partner so they remain distant, limit intimacy and often times overly criticize their partner to stay “safe” and feel protected within the relationship. Those with avoidant attachment do in fact care/love their partner but do so from a safe distance without getting emotionally involved which leaves their partner feeling empty and unloved.

Fearful-avoidant

A person with fearful attachment style often refer to themselves as an “emotional train-wreck” and usually will not allow themselves to be fully committed or invested in a relationship. Because of their fear of being misunderstood and let down, there’s an avoidance in getting completely involved but the desire is there to have a fulfilling and loving relationship. They use attention seeking behaviors as a way to seek validation from their partner which usually ends up backfiring on them within the relationship. Since there is an unwillingness to be vulnerable, people with a fearful attachment will typically ruminate and “stew” over their feelings never revealing what their true emotions are because of a foundation level belief that they are unworthy of being loved.

Why is understanding my attachment style important?

Jealousy is a completely natural human emotion that most of us feel at one point or another within our relationships. However, if you’re constantly feeling emotions like jealousy, rejection, and abandonment within your relationships, it might be time to start peeling back the layers to understand the “why”. Attachment is one of the very first concepts I discuss with clients because it provides insight into all relationships as well as the cognitive template and foundation of the perception of self. Understanding your attachment gives you a blueprint per se that you can utilize to obtain a greater understanding of how you give and perceive love within your intimate relationships. Knowing this very important information about yourself can help to eliminate years of emotional distress, anxiety and relationship problems. Attachment impacts our self-esteem and often times subconsciously dictates unhealthy and toxic adult behaviors that can lead to more serious life issues.

What’s next?

 Understanding your attachment is not about pointing fingers or blaming what you did or did not receive as a child but instead is to provide you with insight and information so you can move forward in life creating loving and fulfilling relationships. If you’re ready to begin exploring your attachment style and peeling back the layers, contact me for your complimentary 30-minute consultation so we can get started. Understanding your attachment is life changing and will have a positive impact on all of your relationships. Take care!

 wh

Source: Insecure in Love, Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

Challenging the stigma of trauma

Anytime someone experiences trauma, getting through the aftermath can be even more difficult than the actual trauma that is experienced. We all respond to trauma differently but the stigma surrounding the experience can be equally if not more traumatic for many survivors.

Misconceptions or stigmas surrounding trauma can be devastating for many of those who have actually experienced the trauma. Because of fear or insufficient information, people tend to make assumptions to form an opinion around particular trauma or survivors. Our culture often supports and has deep-rooted stereotypes and “myths” regarding trauma as well as those who have experienced the trauma. This of course has shown to perpetuate stigmas attached to trauma.

Unfortunately, many who have at some point encountered that kind of stigmatization struggle with healing making the process even more difficult. Many are even re-traumatized as they maneuver through and encounter the stigmas associated with trauma particularly within hospital, law-enforcement or judicial settings. 

So given that we’ve just scratched the surface of stigma associated with trauma, wouldn’t you agree that this is something we all should take very seriously? Each of us has a responsibility to impart change. Here are some things we all can work towards doing: 

Stop victim blaming!

Stop blaming the person who is the victim. No exceptions. Period. Many who experience trauma subsequently struggle with their own self-esteem and self-worth. There are thoughts and beliefs that “I could have or should have done something different” which caused or failed to prevent the trauma from happening in the first place. Of course this is false!!

When a survivor is blamed for trauma, it can bring an avalanche of emotions to the surface but also bury some deep within. Feeling worthless and confused are quite common for many trauma survivors. Too much of that negative self-talk can start to control an internal dialogue with self which ultimately brings feelings of isolation and loneliness. 

Anyone who has experienced a traumatic event is at great risk to develop anxiety as well as depression. Understanding the myths and stigmas associated with trauma is the first step to supporting those who have survived trauma. 

Understanding Trauma Stigmas

For someone who has experienced trauma, there are usually “triggers” or things that present as a reminder to a previous trauma. The more we know means the more we can understand what these triggers might look like. “Popular” stigmas include:

• It was your fault.

  • You shouldn’t have worn that type of clothing!

  • You were too drunk!

  • Why were you even there?

• You’re exaggerating your story.

  • It couldn’t have been that bad!

  • Are you sure you’re remembering it correctly?

  • You’re just being extra!

• You must have deserved it.

  • Things like that don’t happen to “good” people.

  • You put yourself in that position or situation.

  • You were being too flirty.

• You should learn how to move on and get over it.

  • Go on with life.

  • It’s over already.

  • Just put it behind you.

• The trauma wasn’t “that bad” and you should be grateful it wasn’t worse.

  • You just need to pray about it.

  • Was it really that bad?

  • This happened to me and I got over so can you.

People mean well when they say these things but it perpetuates the stigmas associated with trauma not to mention minimizes what the survivor has experienced. It’s important to remember that we’re all different so that means different experiences are going to impact each of us differently. Don’t assume. Don’t believe stereotypes. Don’t be silent.

Education begins the process to understanding! 

As a trauma survivor, you have more strength and courage than you’ll ever know!! Fighting against these stigmas may be a challenge especially if you’re already feeling so bad about yourself and what you’ve experienced. One of the best ways to begin the healing process is to educate yourself and others about trauma in general and the stigmas that have latched on. The more people know and understand how trauma impacts someone the more the myths begin to be questioned and rejected.

I truly believe knowledge really is power! Being a survivor of trauma puts you in a unique place meaning you have the ability to take the negative and horrific experience and turn it around to educate others and stop the overwhelming cycle of misconceptions and stigmas around trauma. You empower yourself as well as others! Which is always a key ingredient to the healing process.

Share with others how your trauma has impacted you. Tell them what symptoms you experience and talk about the things that trigger you. The more and more that you share the easier it becomes. Talking about it gives your power, exposes the truth and can be a real shot of confidence to boost your overall perception of self and your healing spirit. Check out some additional resources here.

If you’re ready to begin the healing journey from your trauma, I would be honored to talk with you. I always offer a 30-minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit. Be kind to yourself and take care!

wh

You are not alone…

Is There a Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Adult PTSD?

childhood emotional neglect

Time and age share the same forward trajectory. Though it might seem that neither time nor age carries a significant enough relevance to help you live free from the past. Furthermore, your past experiences could haunt you or impact you in unexpected ways. And you might not even realize it. The way you feel or react could catch you off guard. You might even have trouble identifying why you feel the way you do. Many people experiencing symptoms from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) have that problem. If that's you, here's how your past and PTSD may be connected.

Who Is the Young Trauma Victim?

Childhood emotional neglect sounds like a very serious and intense experience. And it is. The thing about it is that it happens in little bits at a time, and it can be very subtle. Many people imagine neglect as withholding food or water from a child. While it certainly can be failing to provide the basics, it can also be a lot more. For instance, emotional neglect also includes not giving a child appropriate emotional support. This could mean failing to answer a child's cry for help, ignoring them when they were talking, or not validating their feelings. Overly critical parents or the absent parent also fail to provide emotional support. Many victims of emotional neglect often weren't hugged or shown physical affection. One of the most significant forms of childhood emotional neglect is the failure to form secure attachments. For one reason or another, a parent or caregiver isn't emotionally available for the child. In turn, that child goes about life with a shattered sense of trust because they weren't able to form a healthy attachment to the parent or caregiver.

When Flashbacks Debilitate

Those who face emotional neglect in their childhood often have developmental struggles. It can impact you so greatly that you may not have physically or cognitively developed properly. On the other hand, you may have appeared perfectly normal on the outside all the way to adulthood. It's on the inside where you most likely feel abnormal. But, eventually, these unseen effects slowly begin to overflow into other areas. Certain situations, turn of phrases, or even smells could trigger what are known as "flashbacks." You may feel like you did as a child during these flashback moments. Feelings of worthlessness or anger are common ways people with PTSD react when experiencing those flashbacks. Moreover, flashbacks have a way of interfering with your relationships, too. When you weren't able to form an attachment to your parents or caregiver, it conditioned you to approach all other relationships the same way. That's why, throughout your life, you may have always felt distant or detached from people. In short, flashbacks are a key element in identifying PTSD and many survivors of childhood emotional neglect experience them.

How the Trickle Qualifies as PTSD

Professionals used to believe that a diagnosis of PTSD was only fitting for those individuals who had an intense emotional response to the traumatic event. This meant that a person had to go through a jolting and extreme event to trigger PTSD symptoms. But childhood neglect is more like a trickle or continuous little drops. Kind of like a faucet that never turns off. Eventually, it overtakes you like a flood, but it doesn't happen all at once. Yet, at the same time, victims of childhood emotional neglect display many of the same symptoms as those experiencing PTSD—avoidance, a negative outlook of the world, and feeling detached from other people. As mentioned before, flashbacks are also a key symptom. Today in the field of mental health care, the ongoing trickle of childhood emotional neglect now qualifies as a cause for PTSD. In fact, the two are connected in a cause and effect sort of relationship that can have a an impact for many years. If you'd like to learn more about the connection between children emotional neglect and PTSD, please contact me for your 30-minute complimentary consultation. Together, we can uncover the hidden causes for why you feel the way you do and find a way to empower you to reclaim your life.

wh

Self-injury awareness

self-injury awareness

Self-injury awareness

Sixteen year old Allison** has been cutting her arms for years. She has many scars that tell a story of self-hate and loathing due to past sexual abuse. She was violated as a young girl by her sister's boyfriend. When she experiences intense emotions she feels she can't tolerate, Allison** takes any object she can find--a razor blade, thumbtack, paperclip just to name a few--and slowly drags the object across her skin. She tell me that the intense emotional pain she was feeling is now drowned out by the immediate physical pain from the tearing of her skin. She feels in control now because she has the power to stop or intensify the physical pain. Allison** is not an anomaly. In fact, she is one in two million people who are actively self-harming also known as self-injury. March is self-injury awareness month. Keep reading for more information.

What is self-harm?

Self-harm is defined as the intentional injury against oneself due to an inability to effectively manage intense emotions.  Physical injury can include the slicing, scraping and/or burning of one’s own skin, excessive pulling of hair, head-banging against a wall or hard object, breaking of bones and several other damaging acts aimed at hurting oneself. Although these behaviors are demonstrated by multiple demographics, the more common sufferers of self-injury tend to be adolescent females, victims of abuse and individuals with mood disorders and lacking skills in expression and emotional regulation. In the U.S., there are at least 2 million reported self-injury cases each year. Clinically, this type of behavior is called Non-Suicidal Self Injury (NSSI).  

Why self-harm?

The sight of blood, the stinging of pain, the sound of a skull hitting the wall is, for many, the only instant distraction from intense and often stressful emotions and situations. If the skills to process and reasonably handle a difficult situation are not instilled within an individual, the act of self-injury acts as an immediate silencer from the alarms screaming inside the brain that are associated with intense stress. In some cases, self-mutilation is an act of punishment, or even a way to snap out of emotional numbness associated with depression or other mental illnesses. Regardless of the reasoning behind coping with stressful stimulant, the relief is temporary and unfortunately, self-injury serves only to perpetuate the underlying trigger that caused it. Understanding the why helps bring understanding to self-injury awareness.

Many times, self-injury breeds and continues the cycle of negative feelings as an individual is painfully reminded of the wounds or bruising during the physical healing process. Shame, guilt and even reliving the initial stressor that led to the act only further buries them into sorrow, oftentimes creating a new trigger cycle and more suffering. Mental illnesses such as anxiety, depression, trauma and other emotional challenges are at the root of the self-injury entanglement.

Myths around self-injury

Information from self-harmers reveal that there are several myths surrounding the subject. The idea that individuals do it for attention or are ‘suicidal’ are not always true. Reading into the voices of some of these sufferers helps to better understand their coping mechanism. In the end, the act of hurting oneself is a desperate attempt to express dark emotions through physical pain rather than endure the internal pain and emotional agony within. Although this may be a common coping mechanism to handle stress for individuals with mental illness, it is not physically, mentally or spiritually healthy. The practice erodes the potential of circumstances improving, but thankfully there are ways to evolve the habit and replace with more effective cathartic ways of regulating stress and intense feelings. The first step in addressing any problem is to identify and name it as such.

Getting through self-injury

Mindfulness is an effective mental health tool in confronting the afflictions of the mind. There are several alternative mental road maps to take once that trigger is identified, and thankfully, many of them are within arm’s reach! Seeking support, be it confiding in friends, family or even a therapist can also provide relief and begin to teach methods that override the urges to self harm.  Therapy can also help build other social skills such as confidence and trust, feelings of empowerment and self-control and the potential for the evolution of mental well-being. I am here to support you and welcome a 30-minute free consultation.

wh

Allison** continues to struggle with effectively managing her emotional distress but she has made great progress. She hasn't self-harmed in months which is a great achievement!! She uses less and less self-injury and has learned healthy coping skills to manage her intense emotions. We continue to see each other and I'll continue to support her emotional growth.

**Client name changed to protect her identity

Resources

1-800-DON'T-CUT – More info on self-injury

*http://www.selfinjury.com – Referrals for therapists and tips for how to stop.

*1-800-273-TALK – A 24-hour crisis hotline if you're about to self-harm or are in an emergency situation.

*To Write Love On Her Arms (http://www.TWLOHA.com) - A non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.

*1-800-SUICIDE – Hotline for people contemplating suicide.

*1-800-334-HELP – Self Injury Foundation's 24-hour national crisis line.

*1-800-799-SAFE – Domestic violence hotline.

*1-877-332-7333 – Real Help For Teens' help line.

Trauma and Ethnic Mental Health

Trauma and ethnic mental health

Trauma and ethnic mental health

There's a direct connection between trauma and ethnic mental health. There's no getting around it or sugar-coating the facts. Due to racial trauma, the mental health among communities of color continues to decline due to a very specific social injustice that still exists in America.

Racial trauma, which is similar to post-traumatic stress, is a psychological trend experienced by black and brown people of America. Likely factors leading to this type of race-related stress include re-experiencing historic trauma, experiencing or witnessing current racially-motivated violence or being within a community of poverty that perpetuates institutional racism.

Traumatic interactions can happen directly, as victims of racial violence and discrimination or even by continuously witnessing it in public. Trauma and ethnic mental health can be related to experiencing police brutality (real or on TV/social media) living in institutional poverty, being subjected to stereotypes and hate crimes. Results of such experiences as the victim or the witness, include depression, anxiety, paranoia and anger management difficulties. Mental health professionals have also found that racial trauma also perpetuates the divide among races that creates the problem in the first place.

Declining mental health

Many experiencing racial trauma tend to have a distrust against the oppressing race, a hyper-vigilance to threats and even the attribution of their own race as reason to be failures. Such distress over a lifetime often leads to mood disorders that bolster unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance abuse or violence, further leading to problems with addiction and crime. This creates a direct correlation between trauma and ethnic mental health. The trauma can behave as a trap across generations that only further internalizes the self-hate broiling among the traumatized on the sole factor of their race creating additional historic trauma. Feelings of hopelessness discourage any break in the cycle of trauma and failure among people of color. Although the effects of racism are identifiable in people of color, the racial trauma has yet to be recognized as a diagnostic label in the mental health community.

Advocate and Educate

Responding to hate crimes and racial acts of violence with a mission of advocacy is one way to feel accomplished and purposeful. Rather than demonstrate apathy and acceptance that its “just the way it is” for a person of color, standing up in the name of one’s race scrapes away at the self-hatred that can contribute to certain mood disorders and unhealthy coping. Feeling a sense of contribution instills a feeling of empowerment, and with empowerment comes a will to live and serve in the name of race and humanity as a whole.

Educating yourself and others about the detriments of racial trauma also reassures the confidence-building necessary to face these social injustices while spreading awareness. Teaching children, relatives and friends builds an advocacy network that slowly creates the dent toward breaking down the infrastructure of racial unfairness. For many of these groups, obstacles like poverty and lack of insurance prevent access to professional help, yet the act of educating to promote awareness may spark a desire to seek healing through online communities. There are also several online sources from professional organizations that educate on how ethnic inequality adversely affects our society, and ways to address the issue.

Self-Empowerment

Evolving the societal consciousness as a whole could still take several lifetimes before racism against ethnic groups is obsolete, there are ways to cope with this form of PTSD. Committing to self-care and obtaining professional help with the self-awareness of racial trauma can also act as a weapon against racism.

Whether it’s building a Mental Health Toolbox, speaking with a licensed social worker specializing on race-related stress or learning the process of proactive coping, equipping yourself with the right strategies can ensure the mental evolution necessary for a productive life.

There are also areas of racism exposure that can controlled, as to not perpetuate the trauma within oneself. Disconnecting from certain explosive social media pages, limiting the consumption of news and redirecting energy from getting angry into self-care can be helpful in combating race-related stress.

If you are a person of color, do you feel that ethnic inequality has contributed to any mental health imbalances within yourself? If so, how are you coping now? I’m interested in hearing how you’ve learned to evolve from discrimination based on your race and community, with the intention to help others in your very unique situation. I’m always available for a 30-minute consultation!

wh