How to avoid burnout while working from home

With the increasing prevalence of remote work, the boundaries between professional and personal life have become blurred for many people. While there are many benefits to work from home like flexibility and convenience, working from home can also present many unique challenges that can lead to anxiety and ultimately feeling burnout from what feels like a continuous state of working. Burnout is a state of chronic physical, mental and emotional exhaustion often accompanied by feelings of cynicism and detachment from work and many times life in general. Let’s look at some strategies to empower you to prevent and avoid burnout as you enjoy your work from home career.

Routine! Routine! Routine!

Creating and maintaining a structured daily routine is key to preventing burnout while working remotely. This means regular work hours, consistent breaks as well as an obvious and clear separation within the home between work and your personal life.

Designated workspace!

This is a crucial for establishing psychological boundaries for a healthy work-life balance. Designate a specific area in your home for working rather it’s a corner or a room that is limited by only work-related activities. This space should be free from distractions to allow you to optimize your productivity. By creating a space separate from your living space, you will mentally associate it with work which will activate a mental off/on switch when you enter that space allowing there to be a boundary that will greatly reduce the risk of burnout.

Self-care is a must!

Do more of what brings you joy! Prioritize sleep, nutrition and hydration as well as mindfulness, movement and relaxation. Just as you would do working out in the world, maintain your social connections and seek support from friends. Schedule a lunch date, grab an early morning coffee or walk with friends during your scheduled breaks to stay connected and help alleviate the possibility of burnout.

Establish clear boundaries!

It’s very easy to blur the line between professional and personal life when working from home. Make sure to communicate your availability and working hours to colleagues, friends, clients/customers and family members to minimize outside distractions while working. Set guidelines for interruptions during work hours by using headphones, placing a physical or digital “do not disturb sign up”, silencing your phone or by scheduling phone calls and return emails.

Practice effective time management!

Effective time managmenet is the key to maintaining productivity while also preventing burnout. Set realistic goals for yourself and prioritize work tasks based on their importance and urgency to be completed throughout the workday. Utilize visual aids such as calendars or white boards to post tasks and their targeted completion date. Setting reminders on the computer or your phone can help you to stay on task, which ultimately helps with productivity as well as decreasing feelings of stress or feeling overwhelmed. Fight the urge to multi-task work and home tasks as it can be really easy to get distracted when doing this.

As remote work continues to be a prevalent mode of employment, the risk of burnout also remains a significant source of concern. Make sure to implement the tips and strategies recommended to mitigate the possibility of burnout and fatigue. It is imperative to remember that maintaining a healthy work-life balance and prioritizing mental well-being are fundamental to long-term professional success and overall happiness.

Learning how to avoid burnout while putting some strategies in place takes time and patience. I’m here to support you through your journey. If you’re struggling with creating a healthy work-life balance, I can help! Let’s schedule a 30-minute complimentary consultation to talk a little bit about what’s going on in your world and what action you’d like to take for it to be even better. I look forward to hearing from you. Take care!

wh

Growing your emotional intelligence

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence also referred to as EI is our way of receiving, perceiving, controlling and evaluating our emotions within different contexts of our life. EI is a skill that is learned and developed over time, however, there are many people that don’t have a clue about emotions and believe they are unable to successfully control them. If you’re uncertain about your level of emotional intelligence, go and take this free assessment to get an idea of your skill level.

 Most of us know how to express our emotions but managing them is another story! I think it’s safe to say having emotions isn’t the issue but instead knowing what to do with an emotion is where most people struggle. Human beings experience different emotions for different reasons and those emotions aren’t good or bad. Emotions are a survival mechanism built into our cognitive abilities that help to promote a greater chance of survival within our environment. Think about emotions like fear and anger. Those are emotions that prompt change or quick action where sadness or disgust promote reflection and understanding. All emotions promote adaptation within our current setting.

The goal of emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is something we use for our entire lifespan so the ultimate goal is to create a better quality of life and more connected relationships to foster a sense of belonging. How do we use EI and what’s the impact for us?

Minimizes emotional reaction
Emotions are powerful! When we are in an emotionally charged space, it is important to have the ability to take a step back to analyze the situation to reduce conflict, optimize communication with others and to consider all factors before responding.

Increases self-awareness
Emotional intelligence empowers us to have the ability to think about what our emotions mean as well as considering all factors in moments of elevated emotion. Self-awareness is what provides insight to what and why we do certain things.

Nurtures empathy for others
Thinking about how others feel in different situations is essential to a developed emotional intelligence. Many times, we have to think about if this were me, how would I feel and what would I need from others. The ability to empathize drastically reduces judgement of others.

How do we use Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is used in a multitude of moments throughout our lifetime. Here are some ways in which emotional intelligence is practiced as well as how it impacts:

• Increasing our ability to accept criticism and responsibility for our actions

• Using mistakes as lessons and then being able to move on or “let go” rather than staying stuck

• Setting boundaries and saying no when necessary which teaches others how to treat you

• Developing connection within our relationships by sharing our feelings with others

• Actively solving problems in ways that work for everyone

• Experiencing empathy and compassion for other people

• Expanding communication skills particularly active listening

• Gaining understanding as to why you do the things you do helps with self-image

• Reducing personal bias and less judgmental of others

What’s next?

Understanding emotions is the key to better relationships, improved well-being, and stronger communication skills. The great news is there’s always space for learning! Since human beings began walking the earth, emotions have been essential for survival. When faced with stress, however, an underdeveloped emotional intelligence can wreak havoc in professional and personal situations. Emotions are amazing but when we’re out of our comfort zone, many of us struggle to effectively manage emotions ultimately losing control and becoming overwhelmed.

Learning to manage stress and feeling competent with your emotions takes time and patience. I’m here to support you through your journey. We all want to make choices that allow us to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage our emotions in healthy ways, create belonging, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances. I offer a 30-minute complimentary consultation to talk a little bit about what’s going on in your world and what action you’d like to take for it to be even better. I look forward to hearing from you. Take care!

wh

The secret to successful relationships: Understanding your Attachment Style

Have you ever noticed that we seem to gravitate towards the same “type” of person each time we begin a new relationship? This is due to how our attachment was formed during our developmental years. The relationship formed with our caregiver sets the stage for our adult relationships and how they form. As we age into adulthood, our attachment style tends to mirror the relationships we had with our caregivers as we were growing up.

What exactly is attachment?

So what exactly is this thing we call attachment? As mentioned previously, attachment is formed during the early years of development between an infant/child and their caregiver relationships. Attachment is a special emotional relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care, and pleasure between the child and the caregiver. The primary factor that contributes to the development or lack of development of secure attachment is the caregiver response to the needs of the child during the first few years of development. Caregivers who respond consistently and quickly to their children’s needs and desires typically contribute to the development of a secure attachment style. In contrast, a caregiver who is inconsistent or ignores the needs of the child will typically contribute to an insecure attachment style.

What exactly are the different attachment styles?

Secure (Healthy)

This is the attachment style we’re all striving to develop as we are rearing our children. This is the best way to create and nurture safe, loving relationships with others. A person who is securely attached can trust others and can also be trusted by others. Giving and accepting love is done with ease with minimal fear of intimacy. There is an interdependence within the relationship but neither person is totally dependent on their partner.

People with secure attachment style are able to have space away from their partner without becoming anxious or panicked. Secure attachment encourages autonomy and individualism for both parties while also having the ability to nurture and invest in the relationship. Only about half of the adult population have a secure attachment style. If you don’t fall into the secure category then you probably experience more of an insecure attachment style that usually includes some sort of anxiety around your needs being met within the relationship.

Anxious (Preoccupied)

An Anxious attachment style also described as preoccupied is based on an insecurity marked by a deep concern or fear of abandonment from your partner within the relationship. People with this attachment style tend to be very insecure about their relationship and fear rejection from their partner. There is a constant concern of abandonment which many times is interpreted by others as “needy” or “clingy” behaviors. People with this attachment often create an unrealistic scenario in their head that their partner is unloving, untrustworthy and often times unfaithful based on their own insecurities and skewed perspectives.

Avoidant (Dismissive)

An avoidant or dismissive attachment style can be found in people who often minimize or totally avoid their emotions. They are incredibly independent and pride themselves in “not needing anyone”. People with this attachment style have very underdeveloped emotional intelligence and struggle to empathize with others who are in emotional distress. Because they are unaware of their own emotions, they tend to be dismissive of the emotions of others. The underlying belief is that their needs will not be met by their partner so they remain distant, limit intimacy and often times overly criticize their partner to stay “safe” and feel protected within the relationship. Those with avoidant attachment do in fact care/love their partner but do so from a safe distance without getting emotionally involved which leaves their partner feeling empty and unloved.

Fearful-avoidant

A person with fearful attachment style often refer to themselves as an “emotional train-wreck” and usually will not allow themselves to be fully committed or invested in a relationship. Because of their fear of being misunderstood and let down, there’s an avoidance in getting completely involved but the desire is there to have a fulfilling and loving relationship. They use attention seeking behaviors as a way to seek validation from their partner which usually ends up backfiring on them within the relationship. Since there is an unwillingness to be vulnerable, people with a fearful attachment will typically ruminate and “stew” over their feelings never revealing what their true emotions are because of a foundation level belief that they are unworthy of being loved.

Why is understanding my attachment style important?

Jealousy is a completely natural human emotion that most of us feel at one point or another within our relationships. However, if you’re constantly feeling emotions like jealousy, rejection, and abandonment within your relationships, it might be time to start peeling back the layers to understand the “why”. Attachment is one of the very first concepts I discuss with clients because it provides insight into all relationships as well as the cognitive template and foundation of the perception of self. Understanding your attachment gives you a blueprint per se that you can utilize to obtain a greater understanding of how you give and perceive love within your intimate relationships. Knowing this very important information about yourself can help to eliminate years of emotional distress, anxiety and relationship problems. Attachment impacts our self-esteem and often times subconsciously dictates unhealthy and toxic adult behaviors that can lead to more serious life issues.

What’s next?

 Understanding your attachment is not about pointing fingers or blaming what you did or did not receive as a child but instead is to provide you with insight and information so you can move forward in life creating loving and fulfilling relationships. If you’re ready to begin exploring your attachment style and peeling back the layers, contact me for your complimentary 30-minute consultation so we can get started. Understanding your attachment is life changing and will have a positive impact on all of your relationships. Take care!

 wh

Source: Insecure in Love, Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

8 Tips for Maintaining Your Summer Sleep Schedule

 Remember those days right after school started in the fall? It was still daylight outside but inevitably mama would call you into the house to get ready for school the next day. I remember the argument many times from my kids as they were growing up, “but mom the sun is still out”. And yes, absolutely it was but I also knew how important is was for them to get that rest so they would be at their best for the next day.

As adults we face that same challenge at times. During the summertime when the days are long and hot, everyone is out and about socializing, enjoying the outdoors and being in the moment, we’re not ready to end the fun and head home to end the day before 7pm. It can be so difficult to stay on a healthy wake-sleep routine when the sun doesn’t even set until after 8! People are out enjoying the park, going to happy hour and dancing the night away. Who wants to go home and get ready for bed?

The reality though is that there is a direct correlation between consistency of sleep, mood and anxiety. So once you get yourself regulated to a schedule that fits your life and inner clock, it is so important to honor that routine and healthy habit. Let’s talk about what you can do to set yourself up for success: 

MAINTAIN YOUR CURRENT WAKE-SLEEP ROUTINE

Having a predictable wake-sleep routine means you are intentional with your time so keep doing that! Be mindful of the commitments made to others to be out and about. We don’t have to be a super stickler regarding our time but being aware and intentional will help. Staying out one night late per week isn’t too much strain on the sleep schedule but what about 3-5 nights per week? That begins to run down the body and begins to compromise the sleep schedule!

SLEEP ETIQUETTE

The bed is only for sleeping!! We need the brain to associate when we get into bed that we’re looking to be intimate or fall asleep. That’s it! Limit the amount of time you work, read or even watch movies in your bed. Keep your space clutter free, cool and dark to provide the optimum sleep environment. Check out 7 Days to Better Sleep for more ideas.

ELECTRONICS CURFEW

Believe me I know how tempting it is to scroll on social media but learn to put the phone or tablet down so the brain can disconnect. One of my favorites is TikTok but I can definitely tell the difference in how easily I go to sleep if I follow my own suggestions! So turn off, silence and flip over those phones. Whatever it is can wait until tomorrow!

VITAMIN D

Continue taking your vitamin D3. So much research has found a direct correlation between vitamin D and sleep. It helps with the production of not only serotonin but also melatonin. The two are very interconnected for an overall feeling of health and wellness.

REDUCed OR DELAYED MELATONIN

Because the days are longer, our bodies aren’t signaled to begin creating melatonin until later in the evening which can sometimes get us off track. Even though we’re following the schedule and maintaining the routine, the body might not be cooperating because it was cued later in the circadian rhythm due to the prolonged daylight hours to produce melatonin. Don’t begin a melatonin supplement just yet but instead try some healthy food choices that will work with your body to keep your wake-sleep routine intact. Remember to be intentional!

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY

Sometimes we don’t realize we’re overextending ourselves until it begins to take a toll. If you begin to experience consistent mood swings, weight gain, memory loss or brain fog there’s a good chance you’ve taken a hit to your sleep schedule. There are additional signs your body and mind will display but you have to be paying attention. Now is a good time to reflect and get back on track.

AVOID CAFFEINE

The use of caffeine is one of the tools that many of us use to get some pep and wakeup throughout the day. If possible, avoid caffeine use about 6 hours prior to your planned bedtime. For most of us, that’s about 3 or 4pm. Be mindful of your consumption of coffee, tea, soda and chocolate. Go

LIMIT ALCOHOL

If you are one of those people who like your evening nightcap—think again! If alcohol is drank too close to bedtime, research has been shown to suppress REM sleep which is necessary for neuro waste to be released from the brain. Just like with caffeine, be mindful of when you are drinking in relationship to when you are trying to get to sleep. Try to keep any liquor consumption at least six hours before bedtime but skip if at all possible.

Final thoughts…

Nothing in life is absolute. It’s soooo important to see the gray. Remember, most things are possible in moderation. I have learned because of my own unhealthy lifestyle habits when I was younger that when moderation and intentional behaviors are absent from decision making that only the worst can happen. Chronic illness is like a ninja and creeps up on you in the night. Pay attention to what you are experiencing in your mind-body-spirit connection. Trust and believe if you’re not getting enough restorative rest that you will pay the price later in life.

As always, I’m available to talk more about this topic or any other. Don’t forget I offer a 30-minute complimentary consultation so we can figure out a game plan to keep you healthy and well. At the end of the day, sleep is one of the foundation necessities of having and maintaining an overall sense of well-being. So—be intentional with your time and get those Zzzzzs. Take care!!

wh

Self-care is more than a day at the spa!

Although self-care continues to be a huge buzz word as well as a trending social media hashtag, it’s much more than selfies at the spa getting a mani and pedi with the girls. It’s so much more! Self-care is a commitment to self. It’s a pledge to make every single day to yourself. Self-care is part of a daily plan of accountability. Self-care is the ultimate act of true love! There’s nothing more important than to invest in self!

After doing some reflecting, I had to come to terms with the fact that even though I try, I’m not always intentional with my self-care. As much as I talk about it, I have to follow up with action. Considering I give to others, I have to be consistent about how I’m filling up my cup.

Here’s the Self-Care Agreement I’ve created between my present and future self:

1. Self-care is not selfish.

2. Self-care is a natural and standard part of my daily life to maintain an overall sense of health, wellness and well-being.

3. Self-care requires me to be intentional and active with a specific set of activities as well as self-awareness that requires me to hold myself accountable. I will act, track, acknowledge, reflect and act again to maintain a cycle of self-care.

4. Self-care can contribute to me being a healthier version of myself. Self-care can help with the reduction or elimination of chronic illness.

5. Self-care empowers me to be the agent of my own health and wellness utilizing all tools available to me including both Eastern and Western concepts of medicine. I am my own healer.

6. Self-care provides a direct personal benefit but also benefits my family, circle and community. I am responsible for my personal health and wellness to minimize and/or reduce the extra stress that chronic illness places within the healthcare system of society.

7. Self-care presents an opportunity not only for me but extends to all societal systems to provide a strong foundation to promote the need for resources, programs, lifestyles and ideologies that support the practice of caring for self around the world.

Now that I’ve clearly outlined what self-care is, how do I set realistic goals and subsequent actions to keep the agreement I’ve made between my today me and my future me. I use the five pillars of health to help guide me create a plan that is sustainable for me to maintain.

MOVEMENT

I’ve had a bitter war with this area of my life for a long, long time. One of the best friends of anxiety is being in a suspended state of internal chaos—a state of immobility. I have a lot of experience with this space because toxic relationships feed the beast of fear.

Things to consider when creating a plan of exercise and movement:

1. What are your ultimate goals?
   Are you trying to achieve a certain weight or challenge yourself to a minimum amount of activity per day. Make a plan and set yourself up for success.

2. Understand and know yourself!
   I discovered long ago I am not a gym rat! I dislike the monotony of working on any gym machine. So instead I opt for outdoor activities when I can. I do my best to be in nature! What brings you joy? What do you enjoy doing? What have you used in the past that has worked and been successful for you?

3. Utilize the resources you presently have.
   Don’t go into debt for a thousand-dollar machine that you’ll ultimately use as a towel rack. No need to purchase a gym membership if you don’t enjoy the gym. Do you like to use weights or body resistance? Do you enjoy solo or group activities?

4. When are you most energetic?
   Again, set yourself up for success by planning your daily movement during the time of day when you’re literally going to feel the most energized to actually get it done. Do you have energy in the morning, mid-day or in the evening?

5. Actually plan it out!
   Make a commitment to self and put it on your calendar or whatever device you use to plan your life, time and activities. Make it concrete and real. Hold yourself accountable.

 FOOD

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “A moment on your lips is a lifetime on your hips.” This has come true for me! My younger self could eat whatever the heck she wanted with no immediate issues or repercussions. Not to mention it was nothing to basically starve myself for a week to shed a few unwanted pounds. Sugar has always been my nemesis. But my midlife self is paying the price for her ignorant attitude towards food.

Understand that all areas of life are interconnected so emotional eating is very real for many including myself. My today self sees food only as a mechanism of fuel for my body. Don’t get me wrong, I still get pleasure from eating certain things (usually sweets) but I have lots more intention behind what I feed myself on a daily basis rather than stuffing my mouth when my emotions are elevated.

Here are some things to consider:

1. Pay attention to your body when you eat. Do you get bloated or sleepy after certain foods? What foods give you energy? Are you paying attention to portion size?

2. Understand what the body needs to be healthy. There’s a science behind nutrition and what the body requires to work at an optimum level. Supplement when necessary.

3. Life is about balance and so is eating!!

STRESS MANAGEMENT

First and foremost it is so important to understand that stress is a natural and healthy part of life. Stress is a built-in survival mechanism to keep us alive and the human species going. What’s not natural on the other hand is allowing stress to manifest into anxiety which is exactly what happens when we’re not effective at stress management. Many of us for an abundance of reasons did not get that training as a child and now here we are stuck in a loop of debilitating anxiety.

One of the greatest gifts we can give to self is the gift of managing stress before it gets out of control. There’s much more to this practice but here’s some highlights:

1. Live in the moment. Learn the skill of being in the right now. Stop putting the focus on what happened or what might happen. Focus on what’s happening right this moment.

2. Develop stress-relieving habits. Figure out what helps you to relax. What hobbies do you enjoy? What music speaks to your soul?.

3. Learn to assertively communicate. Being able to express yourself to others in a way that is healthy is absolutely priceless. Don’t engage in conflict unless it means growth for you. Learn that it’s okay to walk away from a conversation or a person who no longer brings you joy.

4. Let go of being perfect. We’re taught from an early age to do and be the best! Just be the best version of you.

5. Control is an illusion. We can only control one person….my individual self. There is no other control.

SLEEP

I’m learning more and more about the power of restorative sleep. I took this for granted in my younger decades using the erroneous adage of “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” to keep me going and going and going. My today self is thinking WTF were you doing? It was nothing for me to be up “kickin it” until 3 or 4 in the morning to turn around and get up a couple of hours later to get my kids to school and go to work for eight hours. If I could tell my younger self anything it would be to sit down, be still and get your rest girlfriend each and every night!

The science of sleep in connection with our overall sense of well-being has grown immensely in the last decade. Sleep is meant to sluff off the waste that is created on a biochemical level within the body and brain throughout the day. The brain rids itself of metabolic trash during sleep. Toxins are removed to eliminate build up and ultimately the development of chronic health issues later down the road. The connection between poor blood sugar management and the risk of developing Alzheimer’s is overwhelming! Guess what happens when we don’t take the trash out?

Suggestions for better sleep:

1. Sleep hygiene aka sleep etiquette is essential for a good night’s rest!

2. Create a routine to get your body in the habit of a predictable wake-sleep routine. Your mental health will thank you!

3. Include magnesium rich foods in your diet or take a supplement.

4. Manage stress and practice mindfulness.
   

COMMUNITY

If we’ve learned nothing else in the era of COVID is that our community, our peeps, our family, our circle is essential to feeling connected  within the mind-body-spirit triad. Human beings are meant to be social. Living in isolation all the time is a slow death. An integral part of self-care is to have a community of like-minded people who support and love YOU!

Some things to consider in your relationships:

Respect for self and others is key. Is there mutual respect?

1. Is there healthy communication? Do you feel safe expressing yourself? Do you feel heard and validated?

2. Are you encouraged and supported through your high and low moments?

3. Are you able to compromise so that both of you are getting your needs met?

4. Feeling safe is nonnegotiable.

5. Are you able to be autonomous and set healthy boundaries?

FINAL THOUGHTS…

Don’t get caught up in the frenzy of trends. Be intentional with your time, energy and resources to take care of yourself. I wanted to celebrate International Self-Care Day by taking time to sit with myself and commit to the process of actual self-care which is more than a spa day. I’m always available for additional conversation so take advantage of my free 30-minute consultation if you have additional questions or thoughts. Take care!

wh 

Resources:

https://isfglobal.org/international-self-care-day/

https://commonwealthherbs.com/

https://mindbodyfitness.us/2017/10/20/the-five-pillars-of-wellness/

Understanding the inequities of mental health services for BIPOC: The first step for White Freedom Fighters

Understanding the inequities of mental health services for BIPOC: The first step for White Freedom Fighters

So July has been deemed “Minority Mental Health Awareness Month” but in my opinion this is information that everyone needs to discuss on a daily basis. Racial disparities within the mental health community are not a new concept. Black, indigenous and people of color (BIPOC) are much less likely to receive a high quality of care and more likely to abstain from receiving services all together due to the bias, bigotry, racism and unsafe space that a predominantly white mental health treatment culture continues to support. Implicit biases and negative assumptions that have been deeply rooted within our society regarding BIPOC persons continue to perpetuate stigmas and demonize those impacted most.

As we sit in the midway point of 2021, BIPOC continue to be less likely to seek out services or have access to providers they feel safe with. When treatment is provided, many times there is a poor quality of care due to prejudice and ignorance resulting in termination of service prematurely by the BIPOC client. I have seen this in action. My first years as a mental health provider were spent providing support to parents (primarily young women of color) and kids who had become involved within the state system for whatever reason. Most of the time their case workers were entry level social workers that were young, white women who had come from a rural community with skewed beliefs and concepts regarding BIPOC clients. Needless to say, that was an environment I didn’t do well in and decided to venture out on my own to support any client who trusted me enough to take a chance and begin the hard journey of healing.

Freedom Fighters not allies for BIPOC need to understand what steps to take within themselves, their families and communities to assist with not only closing the gap but getting rid of it all together when it comes to healing within a mental health context particular for the BIPOC community. As White people, here’s some things to think about: 

BRING AWARENESS TO THE USE OF STIGMATIZING LANGUAGE
AROUND MENTAL ILLNESS

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) currently in its fifth edition was initially created in 1952 through the APA (American Psychological Association). It covered about 60 disorders theorized from abnormal psychology and psychopathology exhibited from those who were confined to mental hospitals and institutions decades prior to the conception. Considering these disorders were developed from the observation and research of primarily white males, the DSM is rooted in bias, biological inferiority concepts and racism. How do you think that impacts the care given to BIPOC clients?

One of the huge stigmas of mental health is the diagnosis that inevitably comes with making the first step towards getting support. Now don’t get me wrong, there are times that having a diagnosis (label) can be empowering and helpful but let’s not forget that “making a diagnosis” is an incredibly subjective process. I believe people who receive a diagnosis tend to subconsciously enmesh themselves with their diagnosis and it becomes part of their identity, so I don’t provide one unless a client asks me specifically to render my professional opinion. Because I only have private pay clients, I don’t have to answer to big pharma and insurance companies so I’m able to utilize this practice, although I know there are some of my colleagues that would fiercely disagree.

We’ve all heard “jokes” regarding people of color and “craziness”. Now more than ever it’s important to speak up within your circle. Speak up and educate those around you on how harmful and untrue those beliefs are and how they perpetuate a racist culture against BIPOC who may or may not have mental health obstacles. You’ll get pushback but it’s up to you to stand your ground and be the change you wish to see. 

EDUCATE FAMILY, FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES ABOUT THE UNIQUE CHALLENDGES OF MENTAL ILLNESS WITHIN BIPOC COMMUNITIES

I stay grounded in the philosophy to educate and empower others. No one is exempt and there’s always room to learn and grow. There are some great resources available that talk about mental health for marginalized communities as well as facts, research and places to find information. Here’s a few that I think are relevant: 

Challenging Multicultural Disparities in Mental Health (NAMI)

Racial Disparities in Mental Health Treatment

American Counseling Association

We are not OK: Mental Health Resources for BIPOC Communities

12 Books on Behavioral Health Written by Black People

Books by Black Therapists

Racism and Health: A Reading List

60 Digital Resources for Mental Health

Mental Health America BIPOC

Best Mental Health Podcasts

 This of course is not an exhaustive list. If you have other resources, I would love to hear about them in the comments or send me a direct email sharing your source!

BE AWARE OF PERSONAL ATTITUDES AND BELIEFS REGARDING BIPOC MENTAL HEALTH TO REDUCE IMPLICIT BIAS AND NEGATIVE ASSUMPTIONS

Do the work! Do the work! Do the work!

Be aware of your personal beliefs and attitudes. A very simple way to get some insight to self is know your biases. We all have them. Harvard created a great resource that is free to use. Go and complete one or all fourteen of the exams. Getting to really know and understand yourself is essential in this process.

Educate and understand how the construct of racism was developed, executed and is maintained within our country. This is not an complete list but it’s a great place to start.

Understanding terminology of race and ethnicity is essential to discussing and debating within your circle.  Be intentional about learning and evolving!

CONTINUE CONVERSATIONS

Once starting the very important work of personal evolution, it is equally important to begin and/or continue having difficult conversations within your circle as well as outside of it with people who cross your path. Here’s some suggestions by the American Negotiation Institute on how to get those important conversations going in a productive and assertive way:

1. What is your goal in having the conversation? Know your implicit biases. Don’t internalize or take things said personally.

2. Acknowledge and validate emotions of the other party. If you see emotions, then talk about them. Let the other person know you are seeking to understand and that you have compassion.

3. Ask open-ended questions with the desire to learn. Stay inquisitive and don’t make assumptions.

4. Utilize a problem solving framework as the mechanism for change. Collaborate with others for creative and alternative perspectives.

Shame and guilt do not provide a firm foundation for a productive conversation. These should never be used as most will take offense, clam up and get on the defensive. Instead use phrases like, “I feel”; “I have found” or “my understanding” to convey thoughts or confirm your understanding of a particular idea/topic.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I hate that we live in a society where we have to have specific awareness days/weeks/months to encourage individuals to think about hard subjects like mental health disparities within marginalized communities. But unfortunately this is where we are. I say all the time that this work is hard. If it were easy everyone would do it and all would be well and balanced in the world. However, we’re not there yet.

When I schedule a consultation with a new client, I encourage them to develop some questions they can ask regarding me, my philosophies and experiences as a clinician including my beliefs and values. I believe transparency is essential particularly when a White clinician is interviewed by a BIPOC for mental health services.  Download my guide, Ten Questions to Ask During a New Therapist Consultation, that includes questions for BIPOC individuals as well as those within the queer community to get an idea of the person/providers they are contemplating working with.

The first step is self-awareness. Take time to sit by yourself, in the quiet, reflecting on the type of person you are versus who you want to be. Educate yourself. I’m always available for that complimentary 30-minute consultation to support you. Take care!

 wh

RESOURCES:

“Racial Disparities in Mental Health Treatment”: https://online.simmons.edu/blog/racial-disparities-in-mental-health-treatment/

 “Black/African American”: https://www.nami.org/Your-Journey/Identity-and-Cultural-Dimensions/Black-African-American

 “The Role of Privileged Allies in the Struggle for Social Justice:: https://www.humanityinaction.org/knowledge_detail/jlf-16-the-role-of-privileged-allies-in-the-struggle-for-social-justice/

“Maybe it’s Time to Retire the Term White Ally”: https://marleyk.medium.com/maybe-its-time-to-retire-the-term-white-ally-438950dbe6e

 “How Important is the Psychiatric Diagnosis?” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201907/how-important-is-psychiatric-diagnosis

 “Mental Health Matters: 8 Stigmatizing Phrases to Stop Using”: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mental-health-matters-8-stigmatizing-phrases-to-stop-using-050715

 “Challenging Multicultural Disparities in Mental Health:” https://www.nami.org/blogs/nami-blog/july-2017/challenging-multicultural-disparities-in-mental-he

Is swimsuit anxiety killing your hot girl summer vibe? Six tips to enjoy swimsuit season minus the anxiety!

Got swimsuit anxiety?

Summer is officially here, and someone said pool party! You’ve been invited to hangout but the thought of getting into your swimsuit and walking around in front of others puts you on pins and needles. Sound familiar?

Jamaica, 2016

Swimsuit anxiety is real for many of us. It’s a hot mess combination of social anxiety and body dysmorphia rolled up into one messy, soul-sucking mental space to hang out in. It’s like looking into those carnival mirrors. You know, the ones that make you look super out of proportion and unrecognizable?! Yeah!! For some of us that’s what we see and think everyone else sees the same thing when they look at us. So it’s just easier and safer to keep covered up and avoid those situations that might require a swimsuit. But that means you’re missing out on life!!

I remember more than one girl’s trip where I felt super conscious about getting into a bathing suit with all my skin hanging out for everyone to see. Before COVID, we traveled the first week of November every year. Because I’m a recovering Type-A personality, I always packed my bag beginning halfway through October. I always had to try on my outfits including my swimsuits to make sure I didn’t get any surprises once arriving to my destination. You know, like, they don’t fit. So, I’m looking in the mirror and any hint of that sun-kissed look that I had obtained during summer was long gone. I mean long gone! I always look pasty pale white with squishy jiggly skin because the winter snacking has kicked in. That inner critic of mine has a hell of a party as I scan and make mental note of each dimple, pimple and crater I’d see. The ugly names fly everywhere! I would NEVER talk like that to a friend of mine so why do I talk that way to myself? Welp, it took some time. It’s been a journey but I no longer do!!

6 Tips to empower yourself to be kind and compassionate through that anxiety

Honor your emotions without judgment

This is key to bringing your anxiety from 100 to 10. Just honor what you’re feeling. Don’t keep it bottled up. Talk about it out loud to yourself—yes out loud to yourself. Write down what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way. Give yourself time to sit in the emotion but not to wallow in it then let that shit go!! Don’t be an emotion hoarder. If you have a judgement about yourself, it can be traced back to when and why that judgment was created. But, that’s another conversation.

Focus on what you can Control

One of the traps of anxiety is the tendency to focus on things that you have absolutely no control over.  The fear of the unknown is debilitating. Sit down and make a list of items you can control versus those you can’t. For example, you can control wearing clothing that is flattering. You can control what you eat. You can control how active you are. You are unable to control the size of your thighs right this minute. This is an important exercise because it keeps you grounded in reality and facts versus frolicking around with emotions that want to be in charge. Those same emotions also lie to you.

Practice body gratitude

Gratitude practice has been scientifically shown to alter the way we see things. It takes us from a place of not having to a place of abundance and appreciation for what we do have. So how does body gratitude work? Remember that your body is your ally. You move through the world because you have a physical shell—your body. It’s also important to acknowledge and say thank you to your body for doing what it does. “Thank you” body for giving me feet to walk through life. My feet keep me moving and strong. I also have cute toes that allow me to wear cute toe rings! Saying these things out loud put an energy into the Universe that bounces back to you. It’s also important to honor your body by eating foods that fuel and nourish you. Check out the free download to honor and show gratitude for your body!

Stop comparing

This one is a biggie. This is a thinking error. Stop comparing yourself to others. PeriodT. Nothing positive comes from this unhealthy habit. Trust and believe I’ve had my moments of “if I could only be like” but it made me feel worse. You have to understand and realize that we all have our own separate and unique journey to bring us to where we are. No one has the same journey. You learn and grow at your own pace which means we literally look different from each other. Imagine if we all looked the same and had the same life? Same body? Same look? How boring!

Reduce social media

Sometimes you just have to go on a social media diet. Seeing how others are living and the perceptions of their “perfect life” becomes really overwhelming to see all the time. That’s where the comparing gets out of control. Social media is meant to be entertainment not a manual on how to live YOUR life. Instead, try tuning the social media out and grounding yourself. I frequently will set a timer of 15 minutes and once that alarm goes off then I exit off of social media. I’m not saying it’s easy but you can learn to tune out the world and go inwards for your validation and comforting.

Choose clothes that flatter

Knowing and dressing for your body style is an instant boost to chase the swimsuit anxiety away. There’s lots of information on the web that can be found. I’m an apple shape also known as oval or circle. Lots of fluff around the middle so I tend to wear flowy clothing that will disguise my muffin top like the one in the picture above. Once you determine your body style, use style guides to help you find clothing that you feel comfortable and confident in. Go through your closet and get rid of the clothing that you’re going to wear “someday”. The daily visual just makes us feel bad and shameful so get rid of it.

Remember…

There is no one answer or solution as you work through your swimsuit anxiety. The important thing is to get busy and not ignore it. Start the journey of working on developing body gratitude. Life is meant for living soooooo stop being mean and cruel to yourself. Start practicing self-love. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest. The most important thing is to be healthy. Suit up and join the fun of that pool party. I’m always available for a complimentary 30-minute consultation if you want to discuss this topic in more detail. Take care!

wh

Resources:

https://centerforchange.com/

The Benefits of Whole Person Healing

Let’s connect!

When someone reaches out to me for therapeutic services the very first thing we do is connect and talk!! Taking time to have a consultation is essential so I can learn more about the person, discover what they want to accomplish with therapy and if we’re a good fit to work together. I ask lots of questions so I can understand what is happening not just with their mental health but within their life! This consultation time allows someone to get to know me as well! In fact, I have some suggestions on questions you should ask in your therapy consultation that you can find here. This is the beginning phase of whole person healing.

Mental health support requires consideration of all aspects of who a person is and what’s happening in their life. This is extremely relevant to the process. I inquire about quality of sleep, water intake, work schedules and much much more. But why would water, sleep and schedules be important for mental health treatment. Let me tell you!!

I work within a Whole Person Framework. This means I take all aspects of a person’s life into consideration as I collaborate with the client to develop a treatment plan with specific goals that the client has established. What are these different aspects and why are they important?

Emotional Wellness
People who are emotionally healthy are in control of their thoughts, emotions and behaviors. There is an ability to successfully cope and manage life stressors. Emotional reactivity is minimal which reduces conflict and contributes to better quality relationships.

Physical Wellness
We’ve all heard more than once that physical activity is essential to an improved overall quality of life. Regular and consistent physical activity can have immediate and long-term health benefits. Lots of feel-good chemicals are released in the brain as well as the reduction of overall stress and anxiety.

Spiritual Wellness
At some point, we all try and figure out the meaning of life. We’re looking for “the point of it all” type of answers. Most want to be connected to a feeling of belonging as we look to a higher power of some kind. Understanding our values and beliefs acts as a compass that leads us to live what we believe through our actions in everyday life.

Intellectual Wellness
Curiosity is important to motivate each of us to try new things, develop a better understanding of self as well as within our interpersonal relationships and the world around us. Having a desire to learn helps us to be more well-rounded and contribute to the environment we live in.

Social Wellness
Human beings are social beings. We’ve come to understand that the stronger support system that a person is invested in that they experience a longer life, have a greater feeling of contentment, and enjoy better quality of life. Healthy relationships contribute to overall improved physical health.

Environmental Wellness
The place in which we live dictates the quality of life we will have. This includes within the family, community and globally. Adequate food, water and shelter is the foundation for each person to live.

Occupational Wellness
Feeling independent, valued and having a purpose are essential to an overall sense of well-being and health.

Financial Wellness
Having the resources to take care of individual personal life needs requires having an income of some sort as well as a general understanding of how to manage money affairs. Financial independence is critical for maintaining a sense of independence and autonomy.

Using this visual of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, let’s dig deeper into why whole person healing is essential. If a person is struggling to meet their physical and physiological needs they are basically in survival mode. Nothing else matters but survival so my job is to direct the dialogue and provide resources for this person to solve their issues regarding those basic needs. To add an extra layer, if someone has experienced trauma and not processed those experiences the brain might continue to interpret being in survival mode and working on anything else will be next to impossible.

When I meet with a new client and begin to peel back the different areas of their life and discover they are struggling to meet those bottom level needs, there is an aha moment for the client when I describe this as survival mode. It’s impossible to do work on anxiety, self-esteem or even trauma when the brain is in survival mode. Basic needs have to be met and I focus on getting clients somewhat stabilized prior to digging in too deep regarding issues and goals.

Benefits of Whole Person Healing include:

• Improved interpersonal relationships

• More frequent use of healthy communication

• Better work-life balance

• Self-discovery and personal growth

• Increased ability to regulate emotions and stress management

• More consistent use of self-care behaviors

• Improved physical wellness

• Increased self-awareness

The interconnection of life

As you know and experience on a daily basis, each of these realms is very interconnected to one another. Think about this. There are eight people standing on a trampoline. If everyone is being still then there’s balance and harmony but what happens when one of those people begins to jump? Now there’s imbalance and chaos. If only one person moves everyone on the trampoline feels it! That’s exactly what happens within our life as well. When one area of our life is jolted and impacted by life events there is a ripple effect to other areas within our lives. When clients begin to connect those dots we call them aha moments!

As a therapist that practices whole person healing, understanding each area of a person’s life is essential for me to provide the support, resources and dialogue that is necessary for individual growth to happen. So when I ask about your water intake, sleep quality and work schedule, now you understand why!

Growth never stops! I encourage my clients to consistently evaluate these areas of their lives because knowing what isn’t working means you’re one step closer to understanding how to find the joy we all desire within our day-to-day lives! I practice what I teach and am constantly looking at my life trampoline to see what needs some balancing.

If you’d like to talk more about this concept, I’d love to chat with you in a complimentary 30-minute consultation to figure out if my practice and philosophies are a good fit for you. Click here or email me at info@wendyhawkins.net. Wishing you great things in life. Take care!!

wh

Challenging the stigma of trauma

Anytime someone experiences trauma, getting through the aftermath can be even more difficult than the actual trauma that is experienced. We all respond to trauma differently but the stigma surrounding the experience can be equally if not more traumatic for many survivors.

Misconceptions or stigmas surrounding trauma can be devastating for many of those who have actually experienced the trauma. Because of fear or insufficient information, people tend to make assumptions to form an opinion around particular trauma or survivors. Our culture often supports and has deep-rooted stereotypes and “myths” regarding trauma as well as those who have experienced the trauma. This of course has shown to perpetuate stigmas attached to trauma.

Unfortunately, many who have at some point encountered that kind of stigmatization struggle with healing making the process even more difficult. Many are even re-traumatized as they maneuver through and encounter the stigmas associated with trauma particularly within hospital, law-enforcement or judicial settings. 

So given that we’ve just scratched the surface of stigma associated with trauma, wouldn’t you agree that this is something we all should take very seriously? Each of us has a responsibility to impart change. Here are some things we all can work towards doing: 

Stop victim blaming!

Stop blaming the person who is the victim. No exceptions. Period. Many who experience trauma subsequently struggle with their own self-esteem and self-worth. There are thoughts and beliefs that “I could have or should have done something different” which caused or failed to prevent the trauma from happening in the first place. Of course this is false!!

When a survivor is blamed for trauma, it can bring an avalanche of emotions to the surface but also bury some deep within. Feeling worthless and confused are quite common for many trauma survivors. Too much of that negative self-talk can start to control an internal dialogue with self which ultimately brings feelings of isolation and loneliness. 

Anyone who has experienced a traumatic event is at great risk to develop anxiety as well as depression. Understanding the myths and stigmas associated with trauma is the first step to supporting those who have survived trauma. 

Understanding Trauma Stigmas

For someone who has experienced trauma, there are usually “triggers” or things that present as a reminder to a previous trauma. The more we know means the more we can understand what these triggers might look like. “Popular” stigmas include:

• It was your fault.

  • You shouldn’t have worn that type of clothing!

  • You were too drunk!

  • Why were you even there?

• You’re exaggerating your story.

  • It couldn’t have been that bad!

  • Are you sure you’re remembering it correctly?

  • You’re just being extra!

• You must have deserved it.

  • Things like that don’t happen to “good” people.

  • You put yourself in that position or situation.

  • You were being too flirty.

• You should learn how to move on and get over it.

  • Go on with life.

  • It’s over already.

  • Just put it behind you.

• The trauma wasn’t “that bad” and you should be grateful it wasn’t worse.

  • You just need to pray about it.

  • Was it really that bad?

  • This happened to me and I got over so can you.

People mean well when they say these things but it perpetuates the stigmas associated with trauma not to mention minimizes what the survivor has experienced. It’s important to remember that we’re all different so that means different experiences are going to impact each of us differently. Don’t assume. Don’t believe stereotypes. Don’t be silent.

Education begins the process to understanding! 

As a trauma survivor, you have more strength and courage than you’ll ever know!! Fighting against these stigmas may be a challenge especially if you’re already feeling so bad about yourself and what you’ve experienced. One of the best ways to begin the healing process is to educate yourself and others about trauma in general and the stigmas that have latched on. The more people know and understand how trauma impacts someone the more the myths begin to be questioned and rejected.

I truly believe knowledge really is power! Being a survivor of trauma puts you in a unique place meaning you have the ability to take the negative and horrific experience and turn it around to educate others and stop the overwhelming cycle of misconceptions and stigmas around trauma. You empower yourself as well as others! Which is always a key ingredient to the healing process.

Share with others how your trauma has impacted you. Tell them what symptoms you experience and talk about the things that trigger you. The more and more that you share the easier it becomes. Talking about it gives your power, exposes the truth and can be a real shot of confidence to boost your overall perception of self and your healing spirit. Check out some additional resources here.

If you’re ready to begin the healing journey from your trauma, I would be honored to talk with you. I always offer a 30-minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit. Be kind to yourself and take care!

wh

You are not alone…

Tips to get through your midlife crisis

The 40s and 50s can bring change that can be uncomfortable and unwanted. We’ve all heard about the stories right! Buying expensive toys like cars and jewelry or getting body enhancing procedures are just some of the many stereotypical ideas about the “crazy” things people do when they are in the midst of a midlife crisis. When we hear these stories as young adults it’s so easy to shrug and laugh but how do you bypass or at least minimize the inevitable midlife crisis?

So let’s talk about what this life event looks like and how to move forward to get through the funk of things.

common symptoms and signs

As we age, it is very natural to feel tired or exhausted from the stressors of day to day life. Some days these symptoms may feel more intense than others but if you begin to notice this is the norm on a daily basis, we might need to look deeper. Here’s some questions you should ask yourself and consider:

• Do you think about or worry that you’ve made wrong choices in your life?

• Do you dread getting out of bed for the same old routine everyday?

• Do the hobbies you once loved no longer bring you joy?

• Have you made recent spontaneous and impulsive life or financial decisions?

• Are you uncertain about what the next move is in your life?

• Do you consistently feel apathetic and detached from life?

• Do you fear that life will never get better or more exciting?
  
  Do any of these resonate with you? What now? How do you move forward?

Moving forward into the next life phase

Acknowledge the positive

There is no definitive way to “fix” a midlife crisis, especially since this is part of the journey but there are things you can do to put your situation into perspective.

First, think about what is going right in your life. Do you have a family? Think about all of the things you have done to support them. Think about your spouse or partner, your friends, coworkers, and even your extended family. How have these relationships positively impacted your life? Focus on the things that have gone right.

set some New Goals

Many people experience a midlife crisis because they feel that they’ve achieved all of their goals, and there’s nothing else left. You simply have to unlearn this mindset. There are plenty of things left to achieve in your lifetime, and it’s up to you to set those goals.

You could start by taking up a new hobby or planning a trip to a place you’ve always wanted to visit. Your goals could be even smaller-scale: try to improve a skill you already have, or simply make it a goal to talk to your family members more often.

There are so many possibilities to learn new things and set new goals, so keep this in mind when your midlife crisis tries to convince you that there’s nothing left to achieve in your lifetime.

Moving Forward with Your Life

Many people expect to have life completely figured out by the time they’re middle-aged, but instead, experience a new level of fear or uncertainty. At the same time, while many grapple with a midlife crisis, a lot of people also overcome the issue.

If you’re going through a midlife crisis yourself, don’t keep your feelings bottled up. Express yourself—whether that be to a significant other, a coworker, a friend, or possibly a therapist. There is no shame in going through a midlife crisis. And you certainly don’t have to live with your fear and uncertainty forever—or go through it alone.

Remember, that each one of us is responsible for our own happiness. Seriously consider seeking out a therapist to get you through your midlife crisis. Self-discovery can help to gain clarity about yourself, but a therapist can also provide you with support and resources to get over your funk and realize all of the positives in your life. Your midlife crisis is not the end of the line for your happiness! I offer a complimentary 30-minute consultation for us to discuss the goals you’d like to set to get through the hump. You’re in control of your mental health wellness.

wh

—

7 tips to have a love affair with yourself

In the age of COVID, developing relationships has now even more pressure and stress attached than ever before. Whether familial, romantic or platonic, regardless of how many connections you make the one that is the most important to nurture and caretake is the relationship with self.

The struggle with loving self is a lifelong journey. A journey that some flow through effortlessly while others trip, stumble and fall flat on their faces. I was the later! There’s many factors that come into play like childhood trauma as well as attachment with caregivers. If you feel you struggle with self-esteem and understanding your value as a person, there are little things you can do daily to build a healthy and happy relationship with every part of you! 

1. Be Kind and Patient with Yourself

This is so important and many of us tend to be especially harsh with ourselves, more so than we would ever be to other people like friends and family members. If you find yourself talking negatively or internally beating yourself up, remember that you deserve love and kindness just like anyone else so speak with love and patience with and to yourself.

2. Focus on the abundance rather than the deficits

When we struggle to love ourselves, it’s easy to fall into a mindset of negative thoughts of deficits regarding who we are and our perception of the world. We each have our own set of talents and skills as well as the many things we do well but sometimes it’s very easy to get caught up in what’s lacking rather than what’s in abundance. Just start by making a conscious and intentional effort to change your thinking from the negative to the positive. Focus on what’s going right in your world rather than what’s not.

3. Accept what you perceive as flaws

This can be a tough one but so necessary to completely love yourself for who you are. We all have flaws and definitely no one is perfect but the important thing is to not fixate on them. An important thing to remember is that flaws don’t equate to weaknesses so learning to accept them is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Once you do learn to love the flaws you may find that they really aren’t all that bad and you may even begin to love the things you once hated about yourself.

4. Ask what can I improve about myself?

Speaking of flaws, we all have aspects of ourselves and our lives that we would like to change and improve upon. Just make sure the focus and emphasis is on improvement and not being fixated and irrational about a negative perception of self. Think of what you can control versus what you can’t. That’s where change comes in. 

5. Create a network of people who love and support you

Make sure to be intentional with the energy you allow into your physical, mental and emotional space. If you already struggle with negative perception of self, make sure to foster relationships that are positive and supportive. No one really wants to be around a “Debbie downer” or a “negative Nellie” so make sure the people around you can truly support you when you are struggling to support yourself!

6. Practice Self-Care

Practicing self-care can be so many different things but it’s definitely different to different people. Some people are physically active while others may indulge in an occasional favorite food. Make sure to do things that have meaning and bring joy into your world.

7. Remind Yourself That You Are Enough

Last but certainly not least, remember that you are enough!! You are deserving of good things. A daily affirmation of “I am enough” or “I deserve happiness” will drive this concept home. Say it until you believe it in your spirit. It may feel weird or silly at first but you’ll come to find how much these little reminders boost your well-being and overall sense of self. Eventually, you’ll start to recognize the truths in your affirmations!

A lifetime of love

Everyone deserves love but most importantly a lifetime of love from self. The journey to self-love can be a tough one especially if you’ve had trauma as a child. You don’t deserve to go through life feeling negative about yourself—start building a healthy relationship with yourself today! I’m always open and available for a consultation if you’d like to talk about moving forward with that self-love journey. Remember, you’re in control of your mental wellness. Take care!

5 more tips to grow your mindfulness practice

We’re back for more ways to practice, build and use those coping skills to be mindful and present in the moment. This video has five more ways you can be mindful to reduce your stress and anxiety. Remember, that 30-minute complimentary consultation is ready and waiting for you. Take care!

wh

5 Tips to Jumpstart Your Mindfulness Practice

Do you think being mindful is impossible for you? Do you think it takes too much time? Maybe you struggle to sit still? These five tips will get you started in an easy and simple way! Remember, I offer a 30-minute complimentary consultation to discuss your plan to getting well! Take care!

wh

Over 50 and dating...

““Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love…but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.”
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass”

Dating ain’t the same no more

I just wanna know….when did it get so hard?? The struggle is real people. There’s no more “magically” bumping into someone at the grocery store, exchanging phone numbers and letting the fun begin. The art of dating is forever lost! First of all, with the set in of COVID we all have our groceries delivered! We have our Walmart, Target and Old Navy purchases delivered as well. Whatever is left that we need is delivered from Amazon. If we happen to be out and about, so many of us are not paying attention to who or what’s in front of us so it doesn’t really matter. We’re looking at our phones, worrying about our afternoon appointments or adjusting the mask that’s irritating our face for the 50th time!

As a woman over 50, the dating pool is even more narrow and complicated than it is for energetic and perky 20-year olds. Seasoned vets of the relationship game like myself have probably had a heartbreak or two so the whole princess being saved by the prince theme is long gone and played out. We don’t buy it. We don’t believe it. We don’t even look for it anymore.

I don’t know if I’m jaded, but I look at relationships like transactions now. Each party has an idea of what they would like to get out of the interaction. Perhaps it’s love or maybe it’s just a hot roll around in the bed. Regardless of what IT is, there are still some healthy and positive ways to find a partner that can be the peanut butter to your jelly!!

Do you know what you want?

1. First and foremost, make sure you know what you really want in a relationship. I’m not talking the aesthetics of the person but the meat and potatoes of what the relationship brings to your life. Sit down, be honest with yourself and think about what are your needs? What brings you happiness? What puts a smile on your face? What are your non-negotiables? Most of us don’t have a clue because we don’t take time to have a conversation with ourselves. Do you want adventure, safety, companionship, freedom, etc. etc.? List the top 3-5 concrete things that you need within your relationship for it to be positive and fulfilling.

2. Once you know what you are looking for, learn how to articulate it!! Again, many of us use generic descriptions to define what we want. Use the phrase “I want” or “I need” when communicating with potential dating possibilities. If you’ve taken time to do the work of self-discovery then you don’t have to waste your time on folks who aren’t gonna fit the bill for whatever reason. I’m all about expediency!

3. At one point in time, I had a long exhaustive list with bulleted items that I wanted my potential sweetheart to possess. However, it came painfully clear to me that I was being super ridiculous and unrealistic!! So, we must learn to be flexible and remove the expectation of what we think we want and allow the energy to manifest what is best for us. Now that doesn’t mean settle but that does mean be realistic in your thinking.

4. This is a big one! Be open to new experiences!! Somebody important once said if you want something new and different then you’ll have to do new and different things. Go and actually grab your own groceries in person. Try a new coffee shop. Take a daytrip to try a new restaurant. Join a dating site. Take a girls’ trip. Just be open to changing your routine to allow for new people to enter your world. That greatly improves the odds of meeting more new and interesting people.

5. Be in the moment! Don’t look at each potential as “the one” but instead look at enjoying that person at that moment. See where things go if anywhere. Just realize and understand that dating is a numbers game! If things don’t work out don’t take it personally. Remember that who and what is for you will easily make it into your life and pathway.

6. Take care of you. Make sure you are being the best and most healthy version of yourself. When we are single that is the best time to do the “work” necessary to process the old baggage from previous relationships. Don’t mix old crap with new possibilities because it just won’t work out in the end. Deal with your past, forgive yourself and others then move on to live.

At the end of the day, there are no guarantees. We’re set in our ways. We like things to be a certain way. Dating and finding love over 50 has its own unique set of challenges. Make sure to build and develop the life YOU want as a single woman. Enjoy living and do the things necessary to make your life rich and full of contentment on your terms. Don’t sit around and wait for “the one”. Go out and live your best life and remember that a life partner is just an added dimension to an already beautiful love story with yourself.

If you’d like to explore this topic some more, don’t forgot I offer a complimentary 30-minute consultation! Take care!

wh

Racial Trauma and Mental Health #blacklivesmatter

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton

Racial trauma is one of those wounds that many of us don’t see because the wound is inside of the mind and spirit but definitely impacts the body. Racial trauma is very real and we all need to know and understand the impacts of how system oppression and racism impacts people of color.

wh

End white silence!!

Do you know how to support people of color?

Either you’re part of the problem or you’re part of the solution. Which one are you? We have to take a deep dive inwards to figure out the answer to that question. I’m still on my journey to understanding my privilege and biases with the hope to continue growing and evolving. I share that information here for other white people to begin the quest or for people of color to know this is a safe space and that I’m here to support you.

wh

I'm a FibroWarrior and here's my tips and tricks to thrive through the pain!

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia about four years ago. Took lots of tests to rule out more obvious conditions and was left with #fibro which is both positive and negative. I've learned how to take care of myself to keep the aches and pains under control. I have good and not so good days but for the most part I feel I'm thriving in the midst of my body totally betraying me. Here's my tips and tricks I use. Share yours in the comments as well!

Don’t forget!! I offer 30-minute complimentary consultation if you’d like to talk in more depth about your well-being. Take care!

wh

Why Can't I sleep? Part 1

Do you struggle with frequent insomnia, narcolepsy or sleep deprivation? You are not alone!!

Do you use a cpap machine? Do you dream? Do you remember your dreams?

One of the most frequently reported health issues is lack of sleep!! Did you know that one in three people struggles with sleep either falling asleep or staying asleep!! Did you know that insufficient sleep has been attributed to the big diagnoses that we all worry about and fear like diabetes and heart disease? Get a full understanding of how important sleep is with this first of four parts in this series.

Don’t forget!! I’m her if you’d like to schedule a complimentary 30-minute consultation to talk about your well-being in more depth. Take care!

wh

Feeling isolated and alone with chronic illness?!

You are not alone!! I am here with you!! Yes that’s in my Michael Jackson voice but it’s so true!! It’s super easy to feel A L O N E when you’re body is in pain and I’ve been there! Here are some helpful tips that I hope you put in to practice to empower you to not feel by yourself. What do you do when you’re in chronic pain? Take a watch and share your thoughts below!

Don’t forget! I offer a 30-minute complimentary consultation if you ever want to talk about what you need to thrive instead of just survive. Take care!

wh

Learning to thrive with chronic illness!

As I’m on my journey to health and wellness, I have to admit there are days I just feel like crap!! One of my main goals at this point in my life is to focus on thriving and not just surviving BUT in order to do that there has to be an understanding as well as a plan in developing health goals. Common Wealth Herbs talks about the four pillars of wellness and that was exactly the blueprint I needed to get on track, set goals and implement my strategy. Take a look!

Don’t forget! I offer a 30-minute complimentary consultation to figure out how to get you back on track as well. Take care!

wh