Growing your emotional intelligence

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence also referred to as EI is our way of receiving, perceiving, controlling and evaluating our emotions within different contexts of our life. EI is a skill that is learned and developed over time, however, there are many people that don’t have a clue about emotions and believe they are unable to successfully control them. If you’re uncertain about your level of emotional intelligence, go and take this free assessment to get an idea of your skill level.

 Most of us know how to express our emotions but managing them is another story! I think it’s safe to say having emotions isn’t the issue but instead knowing what to do with an emotion is where most people struggle. Human beings experience different emotions for different reasons and those emotions aren’t good or bad. Emotions are a survival mechanism built into our cognitive abilities that help to promote a greater chance of survival within our environment. Think about emotions like fear and anger. Those are emotions that prompt change or quick action where sadness or disgust promote reflection and understanding. All emotions promote adaptation within our current setting.

The goal of emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is something we use for our entire lifespan so the ultimate goal is to create a better quality of life and more connected relationships to foster a sense of belonging. How do we use EI and what’s the impact for us?

Minimizes emotional reaction
Emotions are powerful! When we are in an emotionally charged space, it is important to have the ability to take a step back to analyze the situation to reduce conflict, optimize communication with others and to consider all factors before responding.

Increases self-awareness
Emotional intelligence empowers us to have the ability to think about what our emotions mean as well as considering all factors in moments of elevated emotion. Self-awareness is what provides insight to what and why we do certain things.

Nurtures empathy for others
Thinking about how others feel in different situations is essential to a developed emotional intelligence. Many times, we have to think about if this were me, how would I feel and what would I need from others. The ability to empathize drastically reduces judgement of others.

How do we use Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is used in a multitude of moments throughout our lifetime. Here are some ways in which emotional intelligence is practiced as well as how it impacts:

• Increasing our ability to accept criticism and responsibility for our actions

• Using mistakes as lessons and then being able to move on or “let go” rather than staying stuck

• Setting boundaries and saying no when necessary which teaches others how to treat you

• Developing connection within our relationships by sharing our feelings with others

• Actively solving problems in ways that work for everyone

• Experiencing empathy and compassion for other people

• Expanding communication skills particularly active listening

• Gaining understanding as to why you do the things you do helps with self-image

• Reducing personal bias and less judgmental of others

What’s next?

Understanding emotions is the key to better relationships, improved well-being, and stronger communication skills. The great news is there’s always space for learning! Since human beings began walking the earth, emotions have been essential for survival. When faced with stress, however, an underdeveloped emotional intelligence can wreak havoc in professional and personal situations. Emotions are amazing but when we’re out of our comfort zone, many of us struggle to effectively manage emotions ultimately losing control and becoming overwhelmed.

Learning to manage stress and feeling competent with your emotions takes time and patience. I’m here to support you through your journey. We all want to make choices that allow us to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage our emotions in healthy ways, create belonging, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances. I offer a 30-minute complimentary consultation to talk a little bit about what’s going on in your world and what action you’d like to take for it to be even better. I look forward to hearing from you. Take care!

wh

7 tips to have a love affair with yourself

In the age of COVID, developing relationships has now even more pressure and stress attached than ever before. Whether familial, romantic or platonic, regardless of how many connections you make the one that is the most important to nurture and caretake is the relationship with self.

The struggle with loving self is a lifelong journey. A journey that some flow through effortlessly while others trip, stumble and fall flat on their faces. I was the later! There’s many factors that come into play like childhood trauma as well as attachment with caregivers. If you feel you struggle with self-esteem and understanding your value as a person, there are little things you can do daily to build a healthy and happy relationship with every part of you! 

1. Be Kind and Patient with Yourself

This is so important and many of us tend to be especially harsh with ourselves, more so than we would ever be to other people like friends and family members. If you find yourself talking negatively or internally beating yourself up, remember that you deserve love and kindness just like anyone else so speak with love and patience with and to yourself.

2. Focus on the abundance rather than the deficits

When we struggle to love ourselves, it’s easy to fall into a mindset of negative thoughts of deficits regarding who we are and our perception of the world. We each have our own set of talents and skills as well as the many things we do well but sometimes it’s very easy to get caught up in what’s lacking rather than what’s in abundance. Just start by making a conscious and intentional effort to change your thinking from the negative to the positive. Focus on what’s going right in your world rather than what’s not.

3. Accept what you perceive as flaws

This can be a tough one but so necessary to completely love yourself for who you are. We all have flaws and definitely no one is perfect but the important thing is to not fixate on them. An important thing to remember is that flaws don’t equate to weaknesses so learning to accept them is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Once you do learn to love the flaws you may find that they really aren’t all that bad and you may even begin to love the things you once hated about yourself.

4. Ask what can I improve about myself?

Speaking of flaws, we all have aspects of ourselves and our lives that we would like to change and improve upon. Just make sure the focus and emphasis is on improvement and not being fixated and irrational about a negative perception of self. Think of what you can control versus what you can’t. That’s where change comes in. 

5. Create a network of people who love and support you

Make sure to be intentional with the energy you allow into your physical, mental and emotional space. If you already struggle with negative perception of self, make sure to foster relationships that are positive and supportive. No one really wants to be around a “Debbie downer” or a “negative Nellie” so make sure the people around you can truly support you when you are struggling to support yourself!

6. Practice Self-Care

Practicing self-care can be so many different things but it’s definitely different to different people. Some people are physically active while others may indulge in an occasional favorite food. Make sure to do things that have meaning and bring joy into your world.

7. Remind Yourself That You Are Enough

Last but certainly not least, remember that you are enough!! You are deserving of good things. A daily affirmation of “I am enough” or “I deserve happiness” will drive this concept home. Say it until you believe it in your spirit. It may feel weird or silly at first but you’ll come to find how much these little reminders boost your well-being and overall sense of self. Eventually, you’ll start to recognize the truths in your affirmations!

A lifetime of love

Everyone deserves love but most importantly a lifetime of love from self. The journey to self-love can be a tough one especially if you’ve had trauma as a child. You don’t deserve to go through life feeling negative about yourself—start building a healthy relationship with yourself today! I’m always open and available for a consultation if you’d like to talk about moving forward with that self-love journey. Remember, you’re in control of your mental wellness. Take care!

Developing your Mental Health Toolbox

A Toolbox for overall well-being

A couple of years ago in trying to figure out which direction I was going both personally as well as professionally, I developed my personal mission statement:

“I will empower those around me with education to support and encourage their personal evolution.”

Mental Health Toolbox

I’m passionate about this concept because I had to learn the hard way that if we don’t care for ourselves, we begin to deteriorate mentally and emotionally, ultimately manifesting into long-term and chronic physical health issues. I’m talking about chronic health issues that could have easily been prevented had I just known how to manage my mental health and take care of ME! Those experiences, combined with my education and experience out in the world as a mental health provider, have given me the inspiration to take this to the the next level. One of my personal mantras is: “Don’t just talk about it, be about it!”  This is how the Mental Health Toolbox was developed. This toolbox can serve as your key to effective mental health management if embraced and applied with consistency and conviction in being the best version of YOU. I’m living proof!

Because I know these tools within the Mental Health Toolbox are effective, I wanted to take my vision to the next level and include local entrepreneurs to expand the Mental Health Toolbox awareness throughout Kansas City. This month, I have teamed up with wonderful collaborators supporting your mental health wellness while sharing the wealth of their own journeys to serve the people of Kansas City on a holistic level. For Spring, I will be giving away Holistic & Well Self-Care Toolboxes, armed with goodies meant to help bring peace and balance into your life. Please make sure you follow Holistic and Well on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn for details on how to win your Mental Health toolbox! I’d like to welcome the gracious and generous collaborators for our April giveaway. Please check them out!

Roni Townsend – Young Living Essential Oils

As a provider of a seemingly endless variety of essential oils, Roni’s business supports the Young Living Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to “empowering individuals to achieve their potential and defy limitations by providing wellness and education to underserved communities.” This amazing organization nourishes youth with resources and opportunities to break through hardships of third-world circumstances to encourage the evolution of leaders that can lead their families and countries in a positive direction. With allergy season around the corner, Roni will be providing a wonderful concoction of essential oils to help your body ward off the stuffy raw sinuses we all dread.

Shannon and Tonya – It Works

This duo will be offering products from their company, It Works! Their system is intended to tone, tighten and firm your body while enhancing confidence and a positive self-image. We may even do some in person collaboration so stay tuned!

Joan Johnson - My Touch Creations

An incredibly creative soul, Joan’s magical fingertips craft the most beautiful, handmade stationery gifts in the Kansas City area and beyond. She has been so generous to offer a gift of affirming and inspiring personal note cards to frame or to give away.

Real Things by Gaylyn

A Beautiful amethyst bracelet and pendant designed by Gaylyn will help clear your energy and assist with emotional healing. Hand-crafted in Nevada, MO, Gaylyn designs and creates each piece with love and positive healing energy.

What's inside yours??!!

Self-injury awareness

self-injury awareness

Self-injury awareness

Sixteen year old Allison** has been cutting her arms for years. She has many scars that tell a story of self-hate and loathing due to past sexual abuse. She was violated as a young girl by her sister's boyfriend. When she experiences intense emotions she feels she can't tolerate, Allison** takes any object she can find--a razor blade, thumbtack, paperclip just to name a few--and slowly drags the object across her skin. She tell me that the intense emotional pain she was feeling is now drowned out by the immediate physical pain from the tearing of her skin. She feels in control now because she has the power to stop or intensify the physical pain. Allison** is not an anomaly. In fact, she is one in two million people who are actively self-harming also known as self-injury. March is self-injury awareness month. Keep reading for more information.

What is self-harm?

Self-harm is defined as the intentional injury against oneself due to an inability to effectively manage intense emotions.  Physical injury can include the slicing, scraping and/or burning of one’s own skin, excessive pulling of hair, head-banging against a wall or hard object, breaking of bones and several other damaging acts aimed at hurting oneself. Although these behaviors are demonstrated by multiple demographics, the more common sufferers of self-injury tend to be adolescent females, victims of abuse and individuals with mood disorders and lacking skills in expression and emotional regulation. In the U.S., there are at least 2 million reported self-injury cases each year. Clinically, this type of behavior is called Non-Suicidal Self Injury (NSSI).  

Why self-harm?

The sight of blood, the stinging of pain, the sound of a skull hitting the wall is, for many, the only instant distraction from intense and often stressful emotions and situations. If the skills to process and reasonably handle a difficult situation are not instilled within an individual, the act of self-injury acts as an immediate silencer from the alarms screaming inside the brain that are associated with intense stress. In some cases, self-mutilation is an act of punishment, or even a way to snap out of emotional numbness associated with depression or other mental illnesses. Regardless of the reasoning behind coping with stressful stimulant, the relief is temporary and unfortunately, self-injury serves only to perpetuate the underlying trigger that caused it. Understanding the why helps bring understanding to self-injury awareness.

Many times, self-injury breeds and continues the cycle of negative feelings as an individual is painfully reminded of the wounds or bruising during the physical healing process. Shame, guilt and even reliving the initial stressor that led to the act only further buries them into sorrow, oftentimes creating a new trigger cycle and more suffering. Mental illnesses such as anxiety, depression, trauma and other emotional challenges are at the root of the self-injury entanglement.

Myths around self-injury

Information from self-harmers reveal that there are several myths surrounding the subject. The idea that individuals do it for attention or are ‘suicidal’ are not always true. Reading into the voices of some of these sufferers helps to better understand their coping mechanism. In the end, the act of hurting oneself is a desperate attempt to express dark emotions through physical pain rather than endure the internal pain and emotional agony within. Although this may be a common coping mechanism to handle stress for individuals with mental illness, it is not physically, mentally or spiritually healthy. The practice erodes the potential of circumstances improving, but thankfully there are ways to evolve the habit and replace with more effective cathartic ways of regulating stress and intense feelings. The first step in addressing any problem is to identify and name it as such.

Getting through self-injury

Mindfulness is an effective mental health tool in confronting the afflictions of the mind. There are several alternative mental road maps to take once that trigger is identified, and thankfully, many of them are within arm’s reach! Seeking support, be it confiding in friends, family or even a therapist can also provide relief and begin to teach methods that override the urges to self harm.  Therapy can also help build other social skills such as confidence and trust, feelings of empowerment and self-control and the potential for the evolution of mental well-being. I am here to support you and welcome a 30-minute free consultation.

wh

Allison** continues to struggle with effectively managing her emotional distress but she has made great progress. She hasn't self-harmed in months which is a great achievement!! She uses less and less self-injury and has learned healthy coping skills to manage her intense emotions. We continue to see each other and I'll continue to support her emotional growth.

**Client name changed to protect her identity

Resources

1-800-DON'T-CUT – More info on self-injury

*http://www.selfinjury.com – Referrals for therapists and tips for how to stop.

*1-800-273-TALK – A 24-hour crisis hotline if you're about to self-harm or are in an emergency situation.

*To Write Love On Her Arms (http://www.TWLOHA.com) - A non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.

*1-800-SUICIDE – Hotline for people contemplating suicide.

*1-800-334-HELP – Self Injury Foundation's 24-hour national crisis line.

*1-800-799-SAFE – Domestic violence hotline.

*1-877-332-7333 – Real Help For Teens' help line.

The Mental Choice to be Happy

The mental choice to be happy

The Mental Choice to be Happy

The mental choice to be happy is tough at times but can be done. Most of us make the mental choice to get out of bed every morning and brush our teeth groggily; we choose milk and sugar with our coffee and choose a radio station on the way to work almost every day, without even thinking about it. So why is it so hard then, to choose to be happy, every day, all (if not most of) the time?

Happiness with a scientific flair

Variations in genetics and upbringing will affect the level of happiness within a person however, it’s important to know there’s scientific evidence that at least 40% of those happy levels are self-controlled. Yes! YOU are in charge of a big piece of that happy pie! And when you refine that mental choice to be happy with supplemental self-care practices such as exercise, proper nutrition and meditation, happiness becomes a natural state of being, rather than a far-fetched destination millions of mental miles away. A lot of what may cloud the awareness of choice are the layers of mental noise and excessive thought, distractions of a 9 to 5, and just the daily hustle and bustle of life’s to-do lists that we can never seem to catch up with. It’s easy for our souls to get swept away by the turbulent thoughts and schedules, but there is a way to take charge and evolve into a new mental pattern where making the choice to be happy is habitual to the mind, body and soul.

Talking yourself out of happiness

If you feel you are on a consistent path of a melancholy mindset or avenue of anxiety, you’ll find hope in learning that shifting away from that dark place begins with the openness to choose differently. Experimental studies show that acknowledging you have a choice goes a long way in the brain’s road-map to happiness. A simple self-talk, such as verbally or mentally telling yourself “I choose to be happy today” is the first step in making a positive difference in your mood and mental well-being! Try it now. And tomorrow. And every morning as part of your daily routine. Picking out a specific cue, like your alarm clock going off, or reaching for the toothbrush before looking at your mirror to smile and recite the magic words is extremely helpful in developing the easy habit.  Remember that habits become second nature behavior after only a few repetitions. Ingraining this self-talk habit into your routine is the first easy and manageable step in evolving your mental health.

Happiness habits

Many of you walk (or dance, crawl, run, fly) through life on the shirttails of common goals like saving money, avoiding junk food, reading 1 book per month or hitting sales quota at work.  Happiness should be at the top of your list. It’s no wonder why experts recommend the goal because if happiness is achieved, the rest of your goals are far more pleasant and attainable. Happiness chips away at the weights of life that once slowed down your personal progress. The question then becomes: how do you attain happiness once you’ve made the choice to make it your daily mindset? Once you've made the mental choice to be happy, there are several tweaks you can apply in your daily routine that will help reinforce the notion. Starting off with simple things like activating the muscles around your mouth that cause you to smile sends a signal to your brain that generates happiness. Try it this very second. That forced smile just stimulated the cingulate cortex, the section of your brain that controls the links between happiness and smiling. It’s like reverse activation, rather than an independent thought or circumstance igniting the happiness that creates the smile, by smiling first you are lighting a happy light in your brain on command. You simply have to make the choice to do it! Perhaps after a fresh tooth brushing in the morning, just after you’ve repeated your new happiness mantra. Give yourself a sparkle of your own self and start the day off right. Smile!!

Mental Health Toolbox

Now that you know how to apply two of the simplest, easiest actions that can get you closer to experiencing happiness as a second nature, you can begin integrating new habits as you evolve your mental well-being. Take your time, ease into it and be kind to yourself. Here is a helpful list to add to your life goals that will help you effectively accomplish the choice of being happy. If you are challenged by a mental illness like anxiety, depression or trauma, you can take the brave step of creating a mental health toolbox. It’s a personal arsenal of tools that not only help eradicate the negative mental patterns you live with, but also a great way to empower, educate and evolve into the best possible version of yourself. (Please remember that I am available to assist with added guidance.) Take care and make the mental choice to be happy!!

wh

Take back your time!

I don't know about you but I NEVER seem to have enough time. Time to do the things I need to do let alone time to do the things I want to do. Time to clean. Time to rest. Time to work. Time to love. Time to self-care. Did somebody say self-care? Learning to take back your time is self-care! So lets celebrate Take Back Your Time Awareness Week happening now!!

What steals your time away?

take back your time

I've been thinking a lot about that and here's what I've come up with:

To-do Lists

Problem: I'm a believer in lists but huge overwhelming to-do lists are a giant time sucker. I get so lost in the lines of smudged lead, vanishing ink and scraps of paper that I lose track of what I actually need to get done.

Solution: Just have one ongoing things to-do list in a notebook or in an app it doesn't matter but choose only three tasks a day that you're willing to commit to actually getting completed. If you complete those three, then by all means challenge yourself to do more but the feeling of accomplishment will feel great by crossing those three completed tasks off your daily calendar. Take back your time and check this out for some more time-saving ideas!

Anxiety

Problem: We get so lost in the alphabet list of things to get done and no time to do them in frame of mind that the anxiety kicks in!

Solution: I think I talk about this everyday but being mindful and in this present moment is a huge help when feeling overwhelmed and lost in the proverbial shuffle of life. Anxiety is another giant time sucker! Take a second to ground yourself. Next, take a mental note of what you have control over and focus on that specifically. Finally, take back your time and create a plan of action and prioritize needs and wants. Add them to your primary to-do list described above.

Got structure?

Problem:  Lack of structure is a huge time sucker. Time is a commodity that once spent it's gone forever. Many times I look up and see I've utilized and spent hours doing--well I don't really know.

Solution: Many of my friends laugh at me but I put EVERYTHING on my electronic calendar. I like to utilize Google but there's lots out there. If it's on my calendar then it's real and it exists and almost always gets done. Structure is necessary for there to be productivity. This is a good place to schedule your self-care too!! Take back your time and organize your day.

Self-talk

Problem: Looking at life through smudged lenses makes everything morph into unrecognizable shapes that we just can't see for what they truly are. In other words, be realistic!! You're not perfect! I know that's a newsflash but none of us are--so stop trying.

Solution: Stop expecting perfection. It's so simple. My mom in her younger days used to have these fantasies about all of the millions of things she could get done in a single day of 24 hours. She's bipolar and in her mania, would try and conquer the world. Of course she came close lots of times but it came with a great cost (that's another blog) but most of the time she was unsuccessful. She passed that mindset on to me and it's not only been a time sucker but also a huge manifestation of my own anxiety. Know your self-talk and combat it with reasonable expectations. Take back your time and be kind to yourself in the process.

Well that's it!! I encourage you to really begin to analyze what takes your time and how you can get that control back. Empower yourself with self-exploration. Educate yourself with information. Evolve into the best version of you. I’m always available for a 30-minute complimentary consultation to throw some of these ideas around!

Check back later for more information on time and self-care!!

wh