Growing your emotional intelligence

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence also referred to as EI is our way of receiving, perceiving, controlling and evaluating our emotions within different contexts of our life. EI is a skill that is learned and developed over time, however, there are many people that don’t have a clue about emotions and believe they are unable to successfully control them. If you’re uncertain about your level of emotional intelligence, go and take this free assessment to get an idea of your skill level.

 Most of us know how to express our emotions but managing them is another story! I think it’s safe to say having emotions isn’t the issue but instead knowing what to do with an emotion is where most people struggle. Human beings experience different emotions for different reasons and those emotions aren’t good or bad. Emotions are a survival mechanism built into our cognitive abilities that help to promote a greater chance of survival within our environment. Think about emotions like fear and anger. Those are emotions that prompt change or quick action where sadness or disgust promote reflection and understanding. All emotions promote adaptation within our current setting.

The goal of emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is something we use for our entire lifespan so the ultimate goal is to create a better quality of life and more connected relationships to foster a sense of belonging. How do we use EI and what’s the impact for us?

Minimizes emotional reaction
Emotions are powerful! When we are in an emotionally charged space, it is important to have the ability to take a step back to analyze the situation to reduce conflict, optimize communication with others and to consider all factors before responding.

Increases self-awareness
Emotional intelligence empowers us to have the ability to think about what our emotions mean as well as considering all factors in moments of elevated emotion. Self-awareness is what provides insight to what and why we do certain things.

Nurtures empathy for others
Thinking about how others feel in different situations is essential to a developed emotional intelligence. Many times, we have to think about if this were me, how would I feel and what would I need from others. The ability to empathize drastically reduces judgement of others.

How do we use Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is used in a multitude of moments throughout our lifetime. Here are some ways in which emotional intelligence is practiced as well as how it impacts:

• Increasing our ability to accept criticism and responsibility for our actions

• Using mistakes as lessons and then being able to move on or “let go” rather than staying stuck

• Setting boundaries and saying no when necessary which teaches others how to treat you

• Developing connection within our relationships by sharing our feelings with others

• Actively solving problems in ways that work for everyone

• Experiencing empathy and compassion for other people

• Expanding communication skills particularly active listening

• Gaining understanding as to why you do the things you do helps with self-image

• Reducing personal bias and less judgmental of others

What’s next?

Understanding emotions is the key to better relationships, improved well-being, and stronger communication skills. The great news is there’s always space for learning! Since human beings began walking the earth, emotions have been essential for survival. When faced with stress, however, an underdeveloped emotional intelligence can wreak havoc in professional and personal situations. Emotions are amazing but when we’re out of our comfort zone, many of us struggle to effectively manage emotions ultimately losing control and becoming overwhelmed.

Learning to manage stress and feeling competent with your emotions takes time and patience. I’m here to support you through your journey. We all want to make choices that allow us to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage our emotions in healthy ways, create belonging, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances. I offer a 30-minute complimentary consultation to talk a little bit about what’s going on in your world and what action you’d like to take for it to be even better. I look forward to hearing from you. Take care!

wh

Self-care is more than a day at the spa!

Although self-care continues to be a huge buzz word as well as a trending social media hashtag, it’s much more than selfies at the spa getting a mani and pedi with the girls. It’s so much more! Self-care is a commitment to self. It’s a pledge to make every single day to yourself. Self-care is part of a daily plan of accountability. Self-care is the ultimate act of true love! There’s nothing more important than to invest in self!

After doing some reflecting, I had to come to terms with the fact that even though I try, I’m not always intentional with my self-care. As much as I talk about it, I have to follow up with action. Considering I give to others, I have to be consistent about how I’m filling up my cup.

Here’s the Self-Care Agreement I’ve created between my present and future self:

1. Self-care is not selfish.

2. Self-care is a natural and standard part of my daily life to maintain an overall sense of health, wellness and well-being.

3. Self-care requires me to be intentional and active with a specific set of activities as well as self-awareness that requires me to hold myself accountable. I will act, track, acknowledge, reflect and act again to maintain a cycle of self-care.

4. Self-care can contribute to me being a healthier version of myself. Self-care can help with the reduction or elimination of chronic illness.

5. Self-care empowers me to be the agent of my own health and wellness utilizing all tools available to me including both Eastern and Western concepts of medicine. I am my own healer.

6. Self-care provides a direct personal benefit but also benefits my family, circle and community. I am responsible for my personal health and wellness to minimize and/or reduce the extra stress that chronic illness places within the healthcare system of society.

7. Self-care presents an opportunity not only for me but extends to all societal systems to provide a strong foundation to promote the need for resources, programs, lifestyles and ideologies that support the practice of caring for self around the world.

Now that I’ve clearly outlined what self-care is, how do I set realistic goals and subsequent actions to keep the agreement I’ve made between my today me and my future me. I use the five pillars of health to help guide me create a plan that is sustainable for me to maintain.

MOVEMENT

I’ve had a bitter war with this area of my life for a long, long time. One of the best friends of anxiety is being in a suspended state of internal chaos—a state of immobility. I have a lot of experience with this space because toxic relationships feed the beast of fear.

Things to consider when creating a plan of exercise and movement:

1. What are your ultimate goals?
   Are you trying to achieve a certain weight or challenge yourself to a minimum amount of activity per day. Make a plan and set yourself up for success.

2. Understand and know yourself!
   I discovered long ago I am not a gym rat! I dislike the monotony of working on any gym machine. So instead I opt for outdoor activities when I can. I do my best to be in nature! What brings you joy? What do you enjoy doing? What have you used in the past that has worked and been successful for you?

3. Utilize the resources you presently have.
   Don’t go into debt for a thousand-dollar machine that you’ll ultimately use as a towel rack. No need to purchase a gym membership if you don’t enjoy the gym. Do you like to use weights or body resistance? Do you enjoy solo or group activities?

4. When are you most energetic?
   Again, set yourself up for success by planning your daily movement during the time of day when you’re literally going to feel the most energized to actually get it done. Do you have energy in the morning, mid-day or in the evening?

5. Actually plan it out!
   Make a commitment to self and put it on your calendar or whatever device you use to plan your life, time and activities. Make it concrete and real. Hold yourself accountable.

 FOOD

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “A moment on your lips is a lifetime on your hips.” This has come true for me! My younger self could eat whatever the heck she wanted with no immediate issues or repercussions. Not to mention it was nothing to basically starve myself for a week to shed a few unwanted pounds. Sugar has always been my nemesis. But my midlife self is paying the price for her ignorant attitude towards food.

Understand that all areas of life are interconnected so emotional eating is very real for many including myself. My today self sees food only as a mechanism of fuel for my body. Don’t get me wrong, I still get pleasure from eating certain things (usually sweets) but I have lots more intention behind what I feed myself on a daily basis rather than stuffing my mouth when my emotions are elevated.

Here are some things to consider:

1. Pay attention to your body when you eat. Do you get bloated or sleepy after certain foods? What foods give you energy? Are you paying attention to portion size?

2. Understand what the body needs to be healthy. There’s a science behind nutrition and what the body requires to work at an optimum level. Supplement when necessary.

3. Life is about balance and so is eating!!

STRESS MANAGEMENT

First and foremost it is so important to understand that stress is a natural and healthy part of life. Stress is a built-in survival mechanism to keep us alive and the human species going. What’s not natural on the other hand is allowing stress to manifest into anxiety which is exactly what happens when we’re not effective at stress management. Many of us for an abundance of reasons did not get that training as a child and now here we are stuck in a loop of debilitating anxiety.

One of the greatest gifts we can give to self is the gift of managing stress before it gets out of control. There’s much more to this practice but here’s some highlights:

1. Live in the moment. Learn the skill of being in the right now. Stop putting the focus on what happened or what might happen. Focus on what’s happening right this moment.

2. Develop stress-relieving habits. Figure out what helps you to relax. What hobbies do you enjoy? What music speaks to your soul?.

3. Learn to assertively communicate. Being able to express yourself to others in a way that is healthy is absolutely priceless. Don’t engage in conflict unless it means growth for you. Learn that it’s okay to walk away from a conversation or a person who no longer brings you joy.

4. Let go of being perfect. We’re taught from an early age to do and be the best! Just be the best version of you.

5. Control is an illusion. We can only control one person….my individual self. There is no other control.

SLEEP

I’m learning more and more about the power of restorative sleep. I took this for granted in my younger decades using the erroneous adage of “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” to keep me going and going and going. My today self is thinking WTF were you doing? It was nothing for me to be up “kickin it” until 3 or 4 in the morning to turn around and get up a couple of hours later to get my kids to school and go to work for eight hours. If I could tell my younger self anything it would be to sit down, be still and get your rest girlfriend each and every night!

The science of sleep in connection with our overall sense of well-being has grown immensely in the last decade. Sleep is meant to sluff off the waste that is created on a biochemical level within the body and brain throughout the day. The brain rids itself of metabolic trash during sleep. Toxins are removed to eliminate build up and ultimately the development of chronic health issues later down the road. The connection between poor blood sugar management and the risk of developing Alzheimer’s is overwhelming! Guess what happens when we don’t take the trash out?

Suggestions for better sleep:

1. Sleep hygiene aka sleep etiquette is essential for a good night’s rest!

2. Create a routine to get your body in the habit of a predictable wake-sleep routine. Your mental health will thank you!

3. Include magnesium rich foods in your diet or take a supplement.

4. Manage stress and practice mindfulness.
   

COMMUNITY

If we’ve learned nothing else in the era of COVID is that our community, our peeps, our family, our circle is essential to feeling connected  within the mind-body-spirit triad. Human beings are meant to be social. Living in isolation all the time is a slow death. An integral part of self-care is to have a community of like-minded people who support and love YOU!

Some things to consider in your relationships:

Respect for self and others is key. Is there mutual respect?

1. Is there healthy communication? Do you feel safe expressing yourself? Do you feel heard and validated?

2. Are you encouraged and supported through your high and low moments?

3. Are you able to compromise so that both of you are getting your needs met?

4. Feeling safe is nonnegotiable.

5. Are you able to be autonomous and set healthy boundaries?

FINAL THOUGHTS…

Don’t get caught up in the frenzy of trends. Be intentional with your time, energy and resources to take care of yourself. I wanted to celebrate International Self-Care Day by taking time to sit with myself and commit to the process of actual self-care which is more than a spa day. I’m always available for additional conversation so take advantage of my free 30-minute consultation if you have additional questions or thoughts. Take care!

wh 

Resources:

https://isfglobal.org/international-self-care-day/

https://commonwealthherbs.com/

https://mindbodyfitness.us/2017/10/20/the-five-pillars-of-wellness/